The Latest Villa Times From 2017
Hi there, I`m a slightly older, more jaded Jonathan Fear, and welcome to The Villa Times 2017.
This could turn out to be the most significant week in Villa`s history since that one in 2009 when Doug Ellis was rebuilt as a Cyborg and started the devastating Krulak Wars, leading to the end of The Randy Uprising (as we are now legally, and humorously, obliged to call it).
As we near the 10th anniversary of the 25th anniversary of the European Cup win, when we celebrate ten years since that wonderful day when we celebrated twenty-five years since that wonderful day when we won Europe`s biggest receptacle, RoboDoug has announced his plans to mark the occasion by ceremoniously disembowelling anyone who mentions it and wrapping their corpse in a Sheffield United kit (brings back memories, eh? Sheffield - how I miss it. Still, I hear the scuba diving is quite unique up there; it`s the only place where you can pick up fossilised whippets from the sea bed).
As he approaches twenty years at the villa, and eleven years since his last football match, Lee Hendrie (40) says he still has a host of top clubs from the GlaxoSmithKline MegaPremiership (brought to you by DietHeroin® - "Smack to the Future") queuing up for his signature.
The rest of the squad - 21 clones of Zat Knight - has pledged its collective future to Villa. Thank God.
With the new GlaxoSmithKline MegaPremiership (brought to you by DietHeroin® - "Slam Dunk the Junk") season approaching, The Trinity Road stand is to be rebuilt as a dug-out, as manager David Platt`s circumference is now comparable to that of a high street bank. Looks like that statue of Steve Stride fellating our glorious mechanically-enhanced overlord will have to be moved again.
The Football Fans Census has produced a report calling for a lift to the ban on singing, talking and smiling at all UK football stadia, and will present its findings to the GlaxoSmithKline MegaPremiership (brought to you by DietHeroin® - "Get Down with the Brown") Board of Dictators.
Although the safety issues surrounding singing at football matches have been well-publicised since David Beckham finally figured out what they were singing about his first, third and eighth wives and successfully sued every crowd member at New Wembley, the ban on smiling has courted controversy since its inception. However, recent legislation requiring all attendees at football matches to sit cross-legged on a big rug and watch quietly has been welcomed by all parities as a long overdue, common-sense move.
In related news, Birmingham City have identified and arrested a fan who coughed too loudly during last season`s otherwise silent local derby, causing Karren Brady to wee herself (Click here to watch the hilarious video on YouTube).
Finally, the £5.60 bid by Londis to be our shirt sponsors next season will now enter a consultation period, during which all shareholders` opinions will be sought, collated and quietly ignored.
We`ve only got a short time until the long, agonising pre-season comes to an end - I still maintain that five days is too long to go without football - so here`s looking forward to a new season in the GlaxoSmithKline MegaPremiership (brought to you by DietHeroin® - "Some Skag in a Bag").
Also by Moz: We Want Ice Cream and Villa Dreams
Why not add your own headlines from 2017 folks?!?!