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Random quote: Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just pee off and leave me alone
The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
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Posted 29/1/2015 05:30
#1483454 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I've got have the world's unluckiest love life.

My wife just left me for my mistress.


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Posted 29/1/2015 05:36
#1483457 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
A woman will walk along the beach in a bikini without a second thought.

But catch one coming out of the bathroom in her bra and pants, and she'll immediately wrap herself in a towel.


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:37
#1483674 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?".


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:43
#1483675 - in reply to #1483674
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I never bothered sharpening my pencil

I didn't see the point


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:45
#1483676 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:50
#1483678 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar. He said to me, "What's that knob at the front for?"

I said, "It's Liam, he's the lead singer."


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:52
#1483680 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I'm opening up Muslim only optometrist shop,

It's called "Asif eye care".


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:53
#1483681 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I'm launching a porn mag for homeless people to sell.

Big Tissue.


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:54
#1483682 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
A news report has shown groups of Africans laughing at England's inability to cope with a bit of snow.

Oh yeah? It might take me a little longer to get home, but at least my tea will be there.


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:56
#1483683 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
A man came up to me with a clipboard.

He said, "Can I ask you a few questions?"

"Yes." I replied.

He said, "Have you ever had deja vu?"

"No." I added.

He said, "Can I ask you a few questions?"


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Posted 30/1/2015 02:58
#1483684 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Tried squeezing my way into a VIP midget club last night.

"Sorry mate,you can't come in." said the bouncer.

"Why the fuck not?" I asked.

He said,"Because you're not on the shortlist."


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Posted 30/1/2015 03:00
#1483685 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My Muslim neighbour says he'll be flying into New York next week.

Here we go again...


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Posted 30/1/2015 03:04
#1483686 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
So my girlfriend thought that our lovely day out to Alton Towers was the perfect place to break up with me.

Should've known she was taking me for a ride.


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Posted 30/1/2015 03:07
#1483687 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 41907
500050005000500050005000500050001000500100100100100
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Really Google Autocomplete?

You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?


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