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Random quote: Five days shalt thou labour, as the Bible says. The seventh day is the Lord thy God's. The sixth day is for football.
The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
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Posted 23/4/2014 19:15
#1405910 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11


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Posted 23/4/2014 19:17
#1405912 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I asked my wife to buy me some cod today but she came back with some sort of fish that cost half the price.

Fucking cheapskate.
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Posted 23/4/2014 19:20
#1405914 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop


I've just got a new job cutting people up all day, I love being a cabbie.




Edited by Pride of Lions 23/4/2014 19:21
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Posted 23/4/2014 19:25
#1405915 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I went to see my doctor this morning.

"Some bastard decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" he asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"

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Posted 23/4/2014 19:27
#1405916 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Manchester United's owners, the Glazers, have denied knowing nothing about football, reminding us that they took advice from Fergie before appointing David Moyes.

Following his disastrous tenure, however, they have confirmed they won't be consulting her about the next manager.

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Posted 23/4/2014 19:35
#1405923 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Some Chinese bloke pushed a little boat through my letterbox this morning.

Turned out to be junk mail.
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Posted 23/4/2014 19:43
#1405931 - in reply to #1405915
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

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Location: Kuala Lumpur (if that's a real place)
Pride of Lions - 24/4/2014 04:25

I went to see my doctor this morning.

"Some bastard decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" he asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"



Stolen
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Posted 24/4/2014 20:53
#1406377 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I went to a modern art exhibition today.

I spent hours looking at the paintings trying to work out whether they'd been vandalised or not.

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Posted 24/4/2014 20:55
#1406378 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My rap group is releasin' new shit soon. In case you don't know, my rap group is called Public Enema.
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Posted 24/4/2014 20:58
#1406379 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I was worried earlier at reports that up to 20 young British Muslims may have already been killed after travelling to fight in Syria.

Can't we send more?

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Posted 24/4/2014 21:01
#1406380 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
If the allegations that Oscar Pistorius took acting lessons are true, would people have wished him good luck by saying "break a carbon-fiber-reinforced polymer prosthetic limb!" before his courtroom performance?


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Posted 24/4/2014 21:07
#1406383 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
News has just been released that the British people have been granted Special Minority Status within the UK.............


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Posted 24/4/2014 21:12
#1406385 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I hate people who force their opinion down on others

and so should you.
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Posted 24/4/2014 21:14
#1406386 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
The sound quality on my Jamaica Inn dvd was terrible.

Must have been a pirate copy.


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Posted 24/4/2014 21:17
#1406387 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Can't believe it's Stalker Awareness Day today...

That crept up on me!

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Posted 24/4/2014 21:22
#1406389 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34982
50005000500050005000500020002000500100100100100252525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My mate Dave is a dictionary salesman and he always tells it the way it is.

He calls a spade a sturdy digging tool having a thick handle and a heavy, flat blade that can be pressed into the ground with the foot.


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