UK time is: 23:07:55

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Search Forums | Calendars | Albums | Quotes | Language
You are logged in as a guest. ( logon | register | forgotten password )Vital Villa on FacebookVital Villa on Twitter
 

Random quote: "You can't be consistent all the time" - Stilyan Petrov
The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
Jump to page : < ... 868 869 870 871 872 873 874 >
Now viewing page 874 [17 messages per page]
Previous thread :: Next thread
   Vital Villa Forum » Witton Lane 

Posted 23/10/2014 07:50
#1455285 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Muslim bombers are now using more sophisticated technology, so they can't be detected by police sniffer dogs.

It's called soap.

Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 23/10/2014 07:51
#1455286 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I've fancied this girl at work for ages. Tomorrow's the day I'm finally going to ask her out.

Hopefully I won't blow it.

Hopefully she will.

Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 23/10/2014 07:52
#1455287 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Ironically, when Oscar Pistorious woke up this morning there really was a burglar using his toilet.


Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 24/10/2014 06:56
#1455513 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
BBC NEWS: "TV star Miranda Hart has announced there will be no more episodes of her hit BBC sitcom after this Christmas."

Now that is a Christmas miracle.

Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 24/10/2014 06:58
#1455514 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
So there I was, sat in my pants with a can of lager in front of the telly when my wife walks in.

"What the hell are you doing?" she huffed.

"Waiting for X Factor to start" I slurred.

"You're pathetic" she said, before storming out.

God, she really knows how to ruin a Tuesday morning.
Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 24/10/2014 07:01
#1455515 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
McDonalds have a new Brazil burger, does that mean their meat is finally pube free?


Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 24/10/2014 07:03
#1455516 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
"All you ever talk about is golf!" My wife shouted. "Golf, golf and more bloody golf!"

"Calm down love," I said. "Don't let this driver wedge between us."


Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 24/10/2014 07:05
#1455517 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I was named after one of the Sex Pistols because of the way I was conceived.

Johnny Rotten.

Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:25
#1455712 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Being quite small I often go to the gym to try and build my muscle up, last night the instructor asked me if I would like any enhancements to make me look bigger.

"Yes, I would, " I told him. "

So he got me a box to stand on.


Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:27
#1455713 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I said to my wife, "have you got a pet name for my cock?"

"Yeah, I call it War" she said.

"Really, why?" I asked.

"Because it's good for absolutely nothing."

Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:29
#1455715 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I've just bought myself one of those relaxation CDs with the whale noises on.

I can't say it's worked but, for some reason, the missus is really fucking horny.


Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:31
#1455717 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Finding a vein in your sausage.

Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:32
#1455718 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
The wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with supermarkets.


'But....Wait!.....Rose!', I yelled after her.

Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:36
#1455719 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I let my girlfriend down today


Well thats the only way she would fit back in the Box


Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:36
#1455720 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
The Metropolitan Police is paying 425 grand to a woman whose child was fathered by a man she did not know was an undercover police officer.

I thought it was Amnesty International who got all of the money from the secret policeman's balls.


Top of the page Bottom of the page

Posted 25/10/2014 10:38
#1455721 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39446
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I went for a job interview the other day.

"Can you show us that you can work effectively as a team?" he asked.

I said, "My mate Gary will answer the question."
Top of the page Bottom of the page
Jump to page : < ... 868 869 870 871 872 873 874 >
Now viewing page 874 [17 messages per page]
Jump to forum :
Search this forum
Printer friendly version
E-mail a link to this thread

Vital Villa - The Latest News

resource/teams/astonvilla/834_a.jpg

Delph Out Until The New Year

Manager Paul Lambert hasn't put a timescale on midfielder Fabian Delph's return, but has said he will be out for a few months following successful......

Click here to read full article
resource/teams/astonvilla/708_a.jpg

Lambert Looking For QPR Response

Manager Paul Lambert has said the players have responded perfectly to our no show against Everton and he's now looking for that same response in the game......

Click here to read full article
resource/teams/astonvilla/705_a.jpg

QPR Injury Update

Manager Paul Lambert has said that he will give late assessments to both Philippe Senderos and Nathan Baker on Monday ahead of the game against Queens Park Rangers....

Click here to read full article
resource/teams/astonvilla/165_a.jpg

The Villa Times - 24/10/2014

The latest AVFC news and views via the fishy one......

Click here to read full article
resource/teams/qpr/385_a.jpg

Lawro In Villa Win Shocker - Mystic In Depression

It's prediction time folks... Villa away to QPR.....

Click here to read full article

Breaking League News

Monk: We'll Work On Our Decision Making
Swansea : 25/10/2014 22:43:00
Report - Swansea City 2-0 Leicester City
Swansea : 25/10/2014 22:15:00
Much More To Come
Man Utd : 25/10/2014 22:00:00
Pick Of The Bunch!
West Ham : 25/10/2014 20:32:00
Warnock Fumes Following Speroni Assault
Crystal Palace : 25/10/2014 20:13:00

Other Network News

Caterham &amp; Marussia to miss US Grand Prix
Vital F1 : 25/10/2014 19:58:00
DeGale on How to Beat Golovkin!
Vital Boxing : 24/10/2014 19:12:00
Five-year plan for Haas? Survival
Vital F1 : 24/10/2014 11:00:00
Caterham saga: Fernandes hits out
Vital F1 : 24/10/2014 10:00:00
Middleweights – The Rankings (October)
Vital Boxing : 23/10/2014 18:56:00
Fury Calls Out Joshua!
Vital Boxing : 23/10/2014 18:43:00
Saunders Goads Eubank Junior
Vital Boxing : 23/10/2014 18:36:00
Caterham on brink of turmoil
Vital F1 : 23/10/2014 10:00:00
(Delete all cookies set by this site)