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Random quote: 'There is a fine line between 'being a football fan' and 'mental illness.'
The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
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Posted 19/10/2014 07:47
#1454196 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Sunderland will now officially be the biggest catastrophe to leave Southampton since the Titanic.


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Posted 19/10/2014 07:51
#1454197 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I didn't see or speak to anyone for months the last time I threw myself into my work.

I'm Katie Price's gynaecologist.
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Posted 20/10/2014 06:58
#1454445 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My leg won't stop mooing.

I think I've got a calf injury.

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Posted 20/10/2014 06:59
#1454446 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I went to a Korean restaurant with my dog earlier.

Then a waiter came over to me and said, "Hi, can I take your Border?"

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Posted 20/10/2014 07:03
#1454447 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
As I walked out of the shop today with 4 Tesco carrier bags on each arm I suddenly thought to myself, "Perhaps I should've put more thought into these tattoos."

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Posted 20/10/2014 07:05
#1454448 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
A fella in the bar asked me what it's like to be married.

I said, "Amaze."

He asked, "You mean amazing?"

I replied, "No, I mean it's hard to get out of."


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Posted 20/10/2014 07:07
#1454449 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
The Ebola crisis is finally coming to an end.

Barry Scott has just landed in Liberia.

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Posted 21/10/2014 07:14
#1454851 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Daily Mail : Muslim bus driver in Reading refuses to let guide dog on board bus.

"They are unclean, smell and carry diseases. I certainly don't want one on the same bus as me" said the dog.

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Posted 21/10/2014 07:17
#1454852 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I always walk around with a megaphone.

If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

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Posted 21/10/2014 07:19
#1454853 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I went cotton picking with a friend today.

I chose Fearne, he chose Dot.

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Posted 21/10/2014 07:20
#1454854 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My wife's not talking to me because I refused to pay for her colonic irrigation and opted for the cheaper version.

2 litres of Diet Coke and a pack of Mentos.
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Posted 21/10/2014 07:21
#1454855 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I swear I'm losing my hearing. The other day my wife asked me to treat her with dignity, and I could have sworn she said Dignitas.

I'd get my ears syringed but it's a bit late now.


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Posted 21/10/2014 07:23
#1454856 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
After 1300 years of praying five times a day you would think that Muslims would have eventually realised that the carpets are not going to take off, and fly.
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Posted 21/10/2014 07:25
#1454857 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 39330
50005000500050005000500050002000200010010010025
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My neighbour told me he's worried because his daughter has been cutting herself.

"Don't worry Rafiq," I assured him. "She'll get the hang of shaving before she's eleven."


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