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The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
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Posted 19/7/2014 00:05
#1430532 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Last weekend, a bloke in London was kicked out of a Gary Barlow concert because he looked too much like Gary Barlow.

Unbelievably, that actually happens a lot.

My Nan got kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler.
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Posted 19/7/2014 00:07
#1430533 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Good job I saw the news. I've just cancelled my Malaysian Airways flight to Switzerland tomorrow.

I'd never have made it to the Dignitas Clinic if I flew with that lot.

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Posted 20/7/2014 11:15
#1430743 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
What do you call a dinosaur that can't get pregnant?

A Du-Rex
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Posted 20/7/2014 11:19
#1430745 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."

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Posted 22/7/2014 23:45
#1431342 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
"Does my bum look big in this dress?" my wife asked this morning.

I said "No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse".

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Posted 22/7/2014 23:48
#1431343 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Men think about sex every seven seconds.

Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...

so it doesn't get weird.
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Posted 22/7/2014 23:50
#1431345 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
News: Queen's racehorse tests positive for morphine.

Camilla's a junkie?

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Posted 22/7/2014 23:56
#1431346 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Commonwealth shooting champion Nur Ayuni Farhana Abdul Halim from Malaysia, will be unable to compete in Glasgow after her competition jacket which was in her luggage failed to show up.

But Vladimir Kozlov from Ukraine has offered to take her place as he has a lovely new shooting jacket and 38 passports

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Posted 23/7/2014 07:36
#1431357 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war.

I wonder if he was mowed down?
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Posted 23/7/2014 08:10
#1431358 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
This hot weather is lovely... But if i get any more of a tan I'm gonna get stopped and searched by the Police.
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Posted 23/7/2014 08:17
#1431359 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Security has been stepped up at Heathrow Airport, and armed police are patrolling every terminal.

It's done nothing to hold down crime at the airport, though.

They're still charging four quid fifty for a cheese toastie.

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Posted 23/7/2014 08:20
#1431360 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Never leave your kid in a Muslim nursery!

I only left my 2 year old daughter in one for an afternoon and now I have to pay for a fucking wedding.

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Posted 23/7/2014 08:35
#1431367 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 37175
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
"You come from a large family?" I asked my blind date

"Well, there's six of us" she said

"No" I replied "I mean are you all fat?"
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