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| I was talking to my friend and he said, "I went to see the doctor and he told me I need to improve my health. He said I need to stay out of the pub a bit more and try outdoor pursuits."
"So what have you done, started jogging and playing sports?" I said.
He replied, "No, I've taken up smoking." |
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| Dozens of people have been killed by car and suicide bombs in Iraqi cities.
Another Sunni day ending in Shia madness. |
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| The papers report that a man has been bitten and trampled to death by donkeys.
Eeyore to have been more careful. |
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| I dated a Muslim girl once.
It was an explosive relationship. |
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| I hate it when a tradesman working on your house asks, "Where's your toilet mate?"
In the bathroom you thick twat, where do you think it is? |
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| On a recent trip to Yorkshire I went into a local Ann summers.
While in there I decided to buy my wife an erotic novel.
I hope she enjoys 50 shades of whippet. |
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| I've called my son Woof.
When he's older when ever anybody asks his name they'll assume he's barking mad. |
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| Fucking seagulls.
My car now looks like Jackson Pollock did the paintwork. |
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| The cannibal living next door to me caught and killed a clairvoyant.
He only put her in the oven for half an hour though, apparently he likes his medium rare. |
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| I saw a Ferrari today with a sign in the window - 'For Sale 150,000 or nearest offer'
I've offered 100 quid. I can't see anyone being nearer than me, I live next door to him. |
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| Pandora's box was said to hold all the evil in the world, and, once opened, couldn't be closed again.
Which sounds a lot like Katie Price's box. |
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| My son's teacher rang me today accusing me of helping him with his sex education homework.
"Bollocks" I said. "What proof have you got?"
"Well Mr. Kay", she replied, "According to Luke, when he was asked where do babies come from, he wrote 'regrettable drunken one night stands'." |
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Aston Villa News 24/7
The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
