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The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
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Posted 25/11/2014 07:37
#1463244 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I was in court today and the judge asked, "How do you plead?"

I replied, "Usually on my knees when I want to fuck my wife. But I'm here for parking on double yellow lines so fine me and fuck off."


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Posted 25/11/2014 07:40
#1463245 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My friend told me he was worried about losing his job because they have recently bought in automated robots.

I said dont worry, when i bought a new dish washer i still kept my wife around to load it.


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Posted 25/11/2014 07:41
#1463246 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
What do MacLaren and a 10 year-old moslem girl have in common?

No button next year.

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Posted 25/11/2014 07:43
#1463247 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Shooting: Something a Jamaican puts on his foot


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Posted 25/11/2014 07:45
#1463248 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Farting....

a Jamaican looking at something a long way away......


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Posted 26/11/2014 07:25
#1463613 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.

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Posted 26/11/2014 07:28
#1463614 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I asked a kid in my street if he wanted my old sofa and chairs.

He told me wasn't allowed to take suites from strangers


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Posted 26/11/2014 07:29
#1463615 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
In order to disperse the crowd in Ferguson, police dropped job applications from the police helicopters.

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Posted 26/11/2014 07:32
#1463616 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I just read about the 26 year old lesbian public school teacher who has been jailed for having a sexual relationship with a student.

Does Crimewatch take requests for reconstructions?

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Posted 26/11/2014 07:36
#1463617 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
How many people from Fergusun does it take to change a light bulb?

I will let you know once the hardware store has been rebuilt and restocked.

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Posted 26/11/2014 07:39
#1463618 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Apparently a Prep School in Ascot is requiring every under 12 student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks.

That's nothing.

In China they're requiring every under 5 student to MAKE an iPad instead of using textbooks.


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Posted 26/11/2014 07:42
#1463619 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My girlfriend really likes the songs on the X Factor but personally I love all the suspense. It keeps me wondering....

What's on the other channels.
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Posted 26/11/2014 07:43
#1463620 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being "self-centred".

I prefer to think of it as "well-balanced".

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Posted 26/11/2014 07:44
#1463621 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Most car designs start off as a sketch on a piece of paper.

Like the Audi A4.


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Posted 26/11/2014 07:46
#1463622 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 40373
500050005000500050005000500050001001001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
A woman who can't have a baby,

Is she unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?.


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