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The Tim Vine style one liner thread.
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Posted 14/4/2014 16:59
#1402086 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
During his trial, Oscar Pistorius has appeared somewhat unstable.

But a couple of beer mats have done the trick.


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Posted 14/4/2014 17:00
#1402087 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I ran into the emergency ward, severed penis in hand, and yelled at the nurse, "Please, can you help?"

"Yes," she said. "Have you stopped the bleeding?"

"No, I just left him there," I replied. "Now, can you replace mine with this?"

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Posted 14/4/2014 17:09
#1402088 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My wife's mouth is like a cheap teacup.

It's always got a fucking chip in it.


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Posted 14/4/2014 17:11
#1402089 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
71 killed in Nigeria as a result of a bus explosion.

What are the chances all on board are millionaires with no family and my surname?


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Posted 14/4/2014 17:14
#1402090 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
What do you call a Russian wanker?

Jack'in'ov.

Only joking it's Putin.

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Posted 14/4/2014 17:18
#1402093 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I've got a Great Dane that loves coming swimming with me.

He's also an accomplished Scooby diver.


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Posted 14/4/2014 17:20
#1402095 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
A secondary school in Birmingham is being investigated over claims it has been infiltrated by Muslim extremist preachers.

"I believe it is a witch-hunt based on all sorts of false allegations which have been repeated over many weeks," said headmaster Mohammed Abdul Alim, skipping past an exploding rucksack on his way to after school stoning.


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Posted 14/4/2014 17:22
#1402097 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I had to have my pet centipede put to sleep this week after he lost 84 of his limbs.

The vet said he was on his last legs.


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Posted 14/4/2014 17:26
#1402102 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop


Knock Knock!
Who's there
10,000 Scousers
10,000 Scousers who?
10,000 Scousers with no tickets
That's OK then, open the gate sergeant


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Posted 14/4/2014 17:28
#1402103 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
What's the difference between Katie Price and Luis Suarez?

Suarez goes down easier!

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Posted 14/4/2014 17:29
#1402104 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
500050005000500050005000200020005001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
What's the difference between a politician and a thief?

We only pay one of them to rob us.


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Posted 15/4/2014 22:55
#1402681 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
My Liverpudlian mate's just started working at the local abattoir, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a Scouser with a job.

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Posted 15/4/2014 22:56
#1402682 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
So apparently many Christians are in an uproar over the movie Noah, claiming they made too much of the plot up. Apparently the fictitious movie about a fictitious story from a fictitious book wasn't historically accurate.


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Posted 15/4/2014 23:00
#1402686 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
Never trust hair dressers.

They are always talking behind your back.


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Posted 15/4/2014 23:04
#1402687 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
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Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
I was impressed by the minute's silence in Liverpool earlier for the Hillsborough victims.

I was certain they couldn't go that long without mentioning it.


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Posted 15/4/2014 23:08
#1402688 - in reply to #988165
Subject: Re: The Tim Vine style one liner thread.



Vital Villa Legend

Posts: 34670
500050005000500050005000200020005001002525
Location: usually within arms length from my laptop
All I keep hearing during the trial is "yes m'lady."

Who's in the dock, Oscar Pistorius or Parker from Thunderbirds?


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