Writer: Staffs Villan
Date:Saturday January 26 2013
Staffs Villan goes Monty Python... beautiful plumage!
A supporter enters a football stadium just off the Aston Expressway in Birmingham.
Supporter: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Supporter: Hello, Mister Lerner?
Owner: What do you mean 'mister'?
Supporter: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closing for relegation.
Supporter: Never mind that. I wish to complain about this football club what I have supported from this very boutique for thirty years.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Claret and Blue...What's, err...What's wrong with it?
Supporter: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It`s dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, he's uh...he's resting.
Supporter: Look, matey, I know a dead football club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no it`s not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable team, the Claret and Blue, isn`t it eh? Beautiful plumage!
Supporter: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! It`s resting!
Supporter: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the stadium) 'Ello, Mister Villa Football club! I've got a lovely fresh semi-final draw for you, against a league 2 team...
(owner hits the stadium wall)
Owner: There, he moved!
Supporter: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the stadium wall!
Owner: I never!!
Supporter: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Supporter: (yelling and hitting the stadium repeatedly) 'ELLO VILLA!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your three o'clock alarm call!
(Strips football club of Premier League wages and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the Championship.)
Supporter: Now that's what I call a dead football club.
Owner: No, no.....No, he`s stunned!
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Claret and Blues stun easily, especially at set pieces.
Supporter: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That football club is definitely deceased, and when I visited it on Tuesday night, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Supporter: PINING for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Claret and Blue prefers keepin' on its back! Remarkable team, isn`t it, squire? Lovely plumage!
Supporter: Look, I took the liberty of examining that football club when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Supporter: 'VOOM'?!? Mate, this team wouldn't 'voom' if you put four million volts through it! He`s bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! he`s pining!
Supporter: he`s not pining! He`s passed on! This football club is no more! He has ceased to be! He`s expired and gone to meet 'is maker! he`s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the Championship! 'Is metabolic processes are now history! He`s off the twig! He`s kicked the bucket, he`s shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-FOOTBALL CLUB!!
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of football clubs.
Supporter: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: (pause) I`ve got a league one football team.
Supporter: Pray, does it defend set pieces?
Owner: Not really.
Supporter: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's stadium in Bolton next season, he'll replace your football club for you.
Supporter: Bolton, eh? Very well.
(The customer leaves.)
(The customer then enters the same stadium. The owner is putting on a false moustache.)
Supporter: This is Bolton, is it?
Owner: (with a fake moustache) No, it's Ipswich.
Supporter: (looking at the camera) that`s inter-city rail for you.
(Supporter goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked 'Complaints'.)
Supporter: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Supporter: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Supporter: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Supporter: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Supporter: (to the camera) Randy Lerner`s brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Supporter: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
Supporter: I understand this IS Bolton.
Owner: (still with the fake moustache) Yes?
Supporter: You told me it was Ipswich!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Supporter: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that runs backwards as forwards without doing anything?
Supporter: (Long pause) Barry Bannan...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Supporter: It's not a Barry Bannan! The Barry Bannan of 'Bolton' would be just as shite!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Supporter: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes supporterby the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)
Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted this football club in the first place. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
(He takes off his coat to reveal a checked shirt and suspenders under it)
Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!...
And for those of you not old enough to know what this is about:
Date:Saturday January 26 2013
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