Writer: J P Fear
Date:Monday May 21 2012
I have it on good authority Villa WILL have a new manager any time between now and the next month or so.
A press conference is due to be called at some non specific time and will announce a yet to be specified manager.
I can confirm the manager will indeed be a male between the age of 35 and 100 which should narrow it down for you a bit.
The unspecified manager will or may not have had experience in the Premier League. The manager will definitely, or not, have been a manager, player, coach, or physio before and will if my info is correct 100% be of an unspecified race and religion.
The press conference to announce his arrival will be held at a non specified time, it will be either am or pm or indeed noon and we believe we can exclusively reveal that there is no chance of it being midnight.
We know for a fact that the new manager is from England, has been to England or hasn't in fact ever been English or been to England. He is thought at least to be European unless of course he comes from elsewhere in the World.
We can`t as yet confirm whether the new manager is a tie wearer and if he is whether he will indeed wear a Villa tie or other non football related afore mentioned neck decoration. We think we are safe to reveal that he won't be wearing a novelty tie and isn't thought to be a bow tie wearer unless he is, in fact, a bow tie wearer.
It is expected he will wear a suit, colour to be announced later.
It is thought unlikely said new manager will be smoking a pipe or eating a balti pie at the press conference, although we can't rule out Mat Kendrick doing either. It is thought Pete Colley will be wearing a Lyle & Scott jumper of non specified colour. Our information beleives that Adam Aspinall will ask said new manager whether he has ever played football manager on the xbox and will lose interest if the answer is in the negative or indeed, the positive.
The press conference will have national, local and intergalatic coverage. Unless Liverpool have a new manager on the same day or Wayne Rooney passes wind of course.
You've heard it hear first folks
Date:Monday May 21 2012
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