Date:Tuesday March 27 2012
Bury My Heart at Twisted Knee
[Warning: This article is not credible journalism. It is the rambling of a Villa fan losing his marbles.]
My relationship with Villa is akin to a rocky romance I once had. By the end of the weekend I was on a high. Things were great between us. By the following weekend 'I wanted too much too soon and she needed time to 'work things through.' My heart got a bruised on that one. I had much the same feeling half time on Saturday. (Why do I travel all this way to see you if this is how you're going to treat me?)
Not only is the football heart more than a little battered, we now have more injuries than a cheese rolling festival. Eleven fit, experienced players now stand ready to do battle with more than a few crock. For what its worth, for those about to play we salute you.
The injury room must be a sight at the moment. Dunne is having his collar bone rebuilt out of bits of lego and Fabian Delph is having treatment to correct the Parochial Sidewaysism that has plagued his game. More worrying is the fact that we have no natural left winger and no experienced striker of Premier League standard, with Bent's ankle having gone south on a rugby pitch and Delfouneso offering the first team footballing equivalent of flatulence at Mass.
In the team photo at the start of the 2011-12 season there were 21 outfield players and three keepers. Of the outfield players 8 were academy graduates. There are only 11 experienced professionals in the shot of which one is Habib Beye, one is Jermaine Jenas and another is Emile Heskey. Of the 8 academy graduates, neither Baker nor Delfouneso got a real run out and Lowry was sold to Millwall. Of the pro's, star names such as Hutton, Warnock and Delph stare out from the front row. Plum and centre sits McLeish beaming like he has just won the jackpot. However, with the old problem of 'no strength in depth' now coming back to haunt us we wonder who is going to play where.
The gaffer has the answer. He has moved utility maestro and impromptu, ageing winger Heskey into a telegraph pole target man position. He is now ready, at a moments notice to knock the ball on to his fairy Godmother should the chance arrive. Weimann, seemingly behind the soon to be jettisoned Emile, is ready to steam on should his billion goals for the reserves be deemed deserving of a pigs bladder of a chance.
What we really need of course is what every club dreams off. A top striker. Not just any striker though. A local one. A boy born in a stable under the shadow of the ground. A boy with jet fuel in his boots and a body punch to match. A kid sent by God to score goals. Oh hold on.... What's that Ed.?
Sorry everyone. I've just been told we've got one of them. He's called Gabriel Agbonlahor. Apparently, when his not tearing around Streetly in his Lamborghini and keeping the neighbours up he quite likes ripping up the turf and leaving central defenders for dead. Unfortunately for him though he suffers from a bad case of Positional Confusionism. He's got it into his poor North Birmingham head that he's a winger and a left winger at that. I feel sorry for the filthy rich mite. I mean, what hope has he got when Alex McLeish has got into his head that he's a Premier League Manger. I mean before you know it Alan Hutton will wake up convinced that he's a right back. Crikey. If it goes on like this I'll be the drummer in Florence + The Machine by Thursday. What's that Ed.? Oh no.......
At least those who are wearing the shirt are giving blood sweat and tears. They are making us proud with how hard they are working, fighting on to the last game with the spirit of 82'. Go on you Lions.... What's that Ed.? They rolled over on Saturday like puppies in a bog roll commercial? That given our injuries it was too much to expect a win?... Well I never. Well I'm glad that never happened before. I mean if that had taken place before, say against Tottenham at home or Manchester Utd at home, even Swansea at home I might have expected it.... Here he goes again. ...Yes Ed.? The Tottenham performance was a disgrace to the shirt and the club? The Swansea showing was like watching eleven medicated decorators watch paint dry? Well, I'm glad I never went to any of those games then. Oh, hold on I did. I did go to them. They were so terrible my brain resorted to selective catatonic amnesia to protect my conscious ego state. Good old brain.)
Joking aside, Where's a bit of the Ginolas when you need it, eh? A bit of that mercurial French magic. Some oh la la wizardry gliding across the pitch ending in a winner.... What's that Ed.? He's called Charles N'Zogbia and he's tweaked a knobbly bit in training? Expected to be out for a month Ed. Shall I give Hanks a call? See if he fancies a run out for the claret and blue lions? (Altogether now Forest Gump Forest Gump Forest Gump, Foresst Gump Forrressssttt Gummmp.)
The fan next to me said the other day. "These lot are killing me." I said: "Don't worry fella. If you should expire we'll bury your heart at twisted knee. That's where all Villa hearts go.
A very depressed UTV
See you all at the Chelsea game.
(P.S By the way if you don't know who I am I'm the big unit in the retro shirt shouting the following statement in a hoarse, exasperated voice. 1.That's your man Hutton. That's your man! )
Previous from: Villa_Grizzly:
An End To Villa Boom And Bust?
Far From The Madding Crowd
A Dirty No Good Villan
Going Through The Change
Date:Tuesday March 27 2012
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