UK time is: 09:33:24
Vital Login
Social Login

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Hercs in the dressing room before City



We join the lads gearing up for the Derby*

Houllier: Look, I know what derbies mean to players, Nigel you have a captain's speech prepared I understand?

*NRC nods and nervously takes to the pulpit with a few sheets of A4, he adjusts the microphone and it gives a little feedback as he begins.*

NRC: Pride. Derbies are all about pride. I know all about pride, my mum raised me on her own whilst doing heavy shifts as a nurse, she was proud and strong and we must be too.

All the lads: Yeah! Wooooooo!

NRC: So lets go out there and make the City players feel like they've been lined up and shot!

*A couple of the lads begin to look wary, Sidwell, Delph & Warnock are still cheering*

NRC:... With a bazooka! Then like we've scraped together their ashes and and crushed them into cat litter...

*Houllier is beginning to look alarmed, the Hall of maim are standing and whooping*

NRC: ....Then like we've fed the cat all kinds of spices and stuff that don't agree with it's stomach, then when he's done his business on the litter mixing it all around and...

*a horrified Houllier leaps to the microphone pulling it away from NRC*

Houllier: ... That was .... Passionate .... Thank you Nigel.

*A couple of the lads are clapping with shock, a few are being sick into buckets, tears are streaming down Sidwell's face*

Sidwell: Beautiful (sniff)

*NRC is barging his head back to the microphone*

NRC: ...Pouring it back on to the toxic dump that is St.Andrews!

*Houllier wrestles the microphone off NRC*

Houllier: Thankyou Nigel, that is quite enough.

Delph: Great news boss, I'm fit for the derby. I can play where ever you want me.

Houllier: Fabian, you are still on crutches, I don't think zat you are quite....

Delph: Yeah, the crutches, um .... I ... I just need them when I'm relaxing, like reading glasses.

Houllier: Fabian I don't ...

*Delph drops his crutches and begins kicking violent and wildly*

Delph: ungh! Yiaaaah!!! Huh!!

Houllier: Look Fabian, I admire your commitment but....

*Delph collapses in a heap screaming in agony, and clutching his leg. A number of lads rush to his aide*

Delph: Back off! I'm fine!

*Delph begins biting at and headbutting the air from the floor whilst growling*

Delph: See boss? Good to go.

Houllier: Fabian, you can not even....

Delph: So shall I crawl to the pitch? In the hole behind the striker right?

Sidwell: I say let him play boss, it's like the saying goes 'if he's violent enough, he's good enough'

A.Young: Who says that!?

Sidwell: It's a well known football saying.

A.Young: That's 'if he's good enough, he's old enough'

Sidwell: Oh ... Yeah, that's kinda more likely isn't it? I should probably get this tattoo removed...

*Heskey and Downing are talking amongst themselves*

Heskey: Right this is it Stewart, we do the business here and no more stick for us from the twisted old geezers in the stands.

Downing: What? Tha business? Like tha cat like?

Heskey: No. Goals man! Goals!

Downing: Oh ... Reet.

Heskey: For heaven's sake man, pull your shorts back up.

Downing: Reet.




Use your social login to comment on front page articles. Login using you Facebook, Twitter, Google or LinkedIn accounts and have your say!



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Hercs Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday October 29 2010

Time: 11:12AM

Your Comments

Class - from a Spurs fan. Keep them coming!
COYS_TSB
Us Spurs fans from Vital Spurs are quite enjoying these I think
danielbolden
I am absolutely loving this Hall of Maim stuff.
lurman
The toxic dump bit is a fact is it not
Villa b
Belly laughs! loved it almost as much as Gabby and the kitten. Someone please turn this into a cartoon episode. Top marks Hercs. Now all we have to do is beat the ********s!
tellamuir
I could imagine Fabian as a cartoon character on YouTube in these hercs in the dressing room episodes.
Avfc94 we do
Tears down sidwells face....classic!
**GUMBOAVFC**
''Reet.'' - lmao!
Nel-A
to quote the ginger one . . . beutiful (sniff) love it
deaf dean
Good stuff, these get me through the week at work :p
sonicdeathmonkey
Hey Hercs, you're getting quite a following. I do hope that you don't go easy on the Spurs when we play them, just because of your fan club there.
andy5759
*Hercs takes another sip of his "great comedy writing" juice*
SuperTommyJohnson
 

Have Your Say

Log in...
with your social network     OR     with your Vital account

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Lambert - Time To Change Our Focus (Thursday October 23 2014)

Vlaar Wants A Return To Winning Ways (Thursday October 23 2014)

Drennan Returns - So Time For A Round Up (Wednesday October 22 2014)

Okore Not Ready For Premiership Action (Tuesday October 21 2014)

Nathan Baker Picks Up Hamstring Injury (Tuesday October 21 2014)

Lambert Hoping Everton Was A Blip (Tuesday October 21 2014)

Sanchez Now Ready To Be Relied Upon (Tuesday October 21 2014)

Grealish Back To Nottingham? (Tuesday October 21 2014)

Archived Aston Villa Articles

List All Vital Villa Articles
Have your say
Click here to suggest an article
Click here to suggest a poll

Vital Members League (view all)

1. Pride of Lions 689
2. The Fear 659
3. ClivetheVillan 574
4. thefacehead 452
5. HeathfieldRoad1874 237
6. sirdennis 223
7. kefkat 211
8. Villan Of The North 156
9. DeanoVilla 135
10. Clubpaver 134

League Results (view all)

League Table (view table)

Team P W D L GD Pts
9. Spurs 8 3 2 3 -1 11
10. Stoke 8 3 2 3 -1 11
11. Hull City 8 2 4 2 0 10
12. Aston Villa 8 3 1 4 -8 10
13. Everton 8 2 3 3 0 9
14. WBA 8 2 3 3 -1 9
15. Leicester City 8 2 3 3 -2 9

Breaking League News

Madrid Want a Permanent Deal!
Man Utd : 24/10/2014 07:48:00
Happy Birthday Roman
Chelsea : 24/10/2014 07:32:00
Cech Heading for Turkey?
Chelsea : 24/10/2014 07:31:00
Whelan suffers fractured leg
Stoke : 24/10/2014 00:18:00
New Poll: Will Swansea City Beat Leicester?
Swansea : 23/10/2014 21:40:00

Current Site Poll (view all polls)

Which kick off time do you hate the most?
Suggested By:  JP Fear
Saturday 3pm 4%
Saturday 12.30/12:45 etc 10%
Saturday 5:30/5:45 etc 4%
Sunday early 8%
Sunday 4pm 4%
Monday 8pm 24%
All are fine with me 2%
All of them accept Sat 3pm! 44%