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'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Hercs in The Dressing Room Post Wolves

*We join the lads celebrating their victory over Wolves. Warnock enters he's wearing a bandana with the japanese 'rising sun' on*

Warnock: Woooooy Yaaaaaah!

*Warnock fly kicks Sidwell in the thigh*

Sidwell: Yeeeaaaaargh! Boss tell him!

*Warnock stands in a karate stance and peers left and right*

Houllier: OK, OK Stephen zis is enough.

Warnock: Hiii Yah!

*Warnock karate chops Cuellar on the shoulder with all his force, Cuellar doesn't flinch*

Houllier: Enough!

Warnock: Oh ... Sorry boss, you know what it's like when you get in the zone.

*Warnock removes his bandana*

Warnock: Enoch Powell! Beverley Knight! Jas Mann from Babylon Zoo! half built bus depot! Your boys just took one hell of a beating!

*The dressing room erupts with laughter, Heskey enters, he's wearing Elton John-esque sunglasses*

Heskey: Greeting peasants! I trust you non-goalscorers enjoyed the game?

*Heskey edges off his driving gloves*

A.Young: Emile, do you not think you're letting it get to your head a bit? I mean where did you even get a full length mink coat between the pitch and here?

Heskey: Oh Mr.Young, nice to see you there. Shame you couldn't play today...

A.Young: Couldn't?.... I did play.

Heskey: Oh, I'm sorry. I just didn't see your name on the scoresheet!

*Heskey presents an A3 poster of the scoreline and scorers*

A.Young: The score .... There's more to my game than goals, I win the ball, flick it on, make the plays...

Heskey: Pah! Like anyone cares about all that. Goals is where it's at, ain't that the truth Gabby?

Gabby: Well ... I do like goals.

Heskey: John?

Carew: I suppose.

Heskey: Sorry John? Speak up I couldn't hear you over your embarrassing lack of goals this season.

*Carew rolls his eyes, Heskey mimics offering Carew some if his famous goal scoring juice*

Carew: Whatever Emile, you're one miss short of everyone hating you again.

Heskey: Please, we both know that's not the case.

*Heskey screws up the poster he was still holding out into a ball and throws it at the bin, it bounces of the rim of the bin and onto the floor.*

Crowd heard outside: Boooooooooo! Donkey! Get 'im off! We want Delfouneso on! We want Delfouneso on!

*Carew raises his eyebrows in an 'I told you so fashion'*




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The Journalist

Writer: Hercs Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Monday September 27 2010

Time: 12:29PM

Your Comments

Genuinely in tears here.
lurman
Sorry John? Speak up I couldn't hear you over your embarrassing lack of goals this season. This actually made me laugh out loud!
AndyFC
There are no more words to describe your super duper awesomeness :P
Astriel
Nice one
Stourbridge Villan
Half built bus depot ....lol
longbridgelion
Delfouneso game after Spurs then ????
tvrwhitey
Anyone else find it strange that Hercs spends all this time in the dressing room and never says a word? Voyeur anyone? ;)
Phartman87
Another quality piece of writing from Hercs. Very enjoyable read sir. I'd say one of your best, but in truth they are all up there on a different level.
glensider
Enoch Powell & Beverley Knight in the same comment - Quality
SuperTommyJohnson
 

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