Hercs' in The Dressing Room before Wolves

We join the lads preparing for their match against Wolves, Delph is visibly upset*

A.Young: Don't worry too much about it Fabian, I'm sure you'll get the chance to play Wolves in the future.

Delph: It's not just that (sniff), look at this ...

*Delph holds up the fixture list to Young*

Delph: Stoke, Bolton, Blackburn, Wolves I'm missing the lot!

A.Young: You know Fabian some people would consider themselves lucky not to be playing these matches. But I'm sure Gabby is just as gutted as you. Eh Gabby?

Gabby: uh .... Yeah ... Gutted, my back is killing me.

A.Young: Back? I thought it was your calf?

*Gabby rubs his arm*

Gabby: Um ... Yeah, my calf ... Very sore.

A.Young: That's your elbow!

Gabby: Look I'm just injured alright!

*Gabby runs out of the dressing room full pelt*

Collins: I'm with Gabby, I 'relish the physical challenge' as much as the next man but I'm beginning to forget what I look like without a black eye or head bandage or neck collar. I'm like that guy who's always faking his injuries.

A.Young: Avid Merrion?

Collins: No, no, the one with he big hat and glasses, always wears purple....

Heskey: .... The Archbishop of Canterbury?

Collins: Yeah, yeah that's the one.

Heskey: James, that's not a neck brace, it's a dog collar...

Collins: Hey, I didn't judge Stan Collymore, I won't judge that guy either.

Heskey: No, it's not anything like that James he....

Collins: I don't want to know Emile, his business is his business.

*Houllier enters*

Houllier: Bonjure ma eau de toilletes!

*The lads all look at each other*

Houllier: I am 'ow you say a sociable boss, 'ere I 'ave a joke for you. What is ze difference between running through a minefield and our fixture list?

*Houllier scans the room taking in the shrugs of the players*

Houllier: Nothing.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter.*

Houllier: Well I suppose you are less likely to lose a limb in ze minefield. All I ask of you is to win every remaining match zis season.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter*

Houllier: I stopped joking at 'nothing'.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter once more*

Houllier: Silence!

*The dressing room falls silent and the players look at each other uncomfortably*

Houllier: Now Emile, you will play upfront and score all the goals, Stephen you will be playing left back.

Warnock: Finally!

Houllier (mutters under his breath): For Coventry

Warnock: What was that boss?

Houllier: Nothing.

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