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'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Hercs' in The Dressing Room Before West Ham

*We join the lads gearing up for the first match of the season*

MacDonald: Right lads, West Ham, so I've done a bit of work and the tactics we'll be adopting will be...

Dunne: Tac? Tics?

MacDonald: Yeah, you know, tempo of our game, the type of passes we'll be using....

*The lads all look at MacDonald with varying degrees of confusion on their faces.*

MacDonald: Formations? Plan B?

*The confusion gets too much for Gabby he puts his hands over his ears*

Gabby: La la la la!

MacDonald: You're not familiar with this!? What did Martin do?

A.Young: He pulled names from a hat.

MacDonald: a hat!?

Davies: Yeah, but there was only ever the same eleven names in the hat.

Petrov: Ah, I loved that hat.

Heskey: Great hat.

MacDonald: and the subs bench?

*the lads look confused again*

Delph: I think he means the naughty step guys

Salifou: Oh, we had to fight it out in 'the cage' to get on the naughty step boss.

*Salifou points over to the showers where a knocked together sign reads 'The Cage' Osbourne's body lies unmoving below the sign*

MacDonald: .... Right so we're going to have to make some cha.....

*There is the loud blaring of a stereo followed by a knock at the door. MacDonald sighs and answers it. It's Avram Grant, he's topless and wearing baggy, gold, sequined trousers with shoulder suspenders, he is accompanied by Scott Parker and Keiron Dyer both are wearing gold hotpants and bikini tops*

Stereo:'Uh-Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh Here comes the Hammer!'

Grant: Sss!

Stereo:'Uh-Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh Here comes the Hammer!'

Grant: Sss!

*Grant is doing an elaborate dance set with Dyer and Parker dancing provocatively in the background as the song plays on*

MacDonald: Whoa, whoa whoa! I'm not having any of this!

*MacDonald switches off the stereo and slides it out the room*

Grant: But...

*Grant gestures over to Dyer and Parker who are still dancing with gusto in the silence.*

Macdonald: No, I'm running things differently to O'Neill, none of this 'MC. Hammer' madness.

*Dyer still dancing collapses in a heap screaming in agony and clutching his leg*

Gray: Tha's a bad one, he'll be out for tha season. If you look at his face, he knows it, a player always knows when it's a bad one.

Macdonald: Now where's Andy Gray's voice coming from!?

*the lads all shrug, the sound of hooven feet and insane laughter can be heard making their way to the office.*

MacDonald: Great, who's this now? The devil?

Sullivan: Hello Villa girls! Muhuhahahah!

MacDonald: Even worse.

Sullivan: I just dropped in to say I'm pricing Scott Parker way out of your league! Ha!

MacDonald: I don't want Scott Parker.

Sullivan: Not at this price tag you don't! Muhuhahahah!

MacDonald: Look at him!

*Parker stops patting Dyer on the back and looks down at his bikini and hotpant combo.*

Parker: What?

Sullivan: Humph! Well we're off! But first I must say, I loved 'Yah Mo B There'

MacDonald: That was Michael McDonald!




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The Journalist

Writer: Hercs Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday August 13 2010

Time: 10:23AM

Your Comments

i do like these hercs another good one keep it up.
jljyid
How do you think em up, :)
andy3221
LOLOLOLOLOL
Villan444
Excellent as always : )
steff_the_villan
brilliant as ever mate . how do you do it ?
jaspervilla
classic
sonicdeathmonkey
Awesome as ever dude. Regards, your fellow Vital Villa comedy expert :o)
murph
 

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