Hercs in the Dressing Room for Blackburn Rovers
*We join the lads gearing up for the clash against Blackburn, MON is sporting a wide grin*
A.Young: Why so happy boss?
MON: Because Ashley, a certain player who isn't with us anymore doesn't look like he'll be playing Champion's League next season after all.
Carew: .... Who's not with us any more?
MON: Gareth Barry of course.
Gabby: Gareth's dead!?
MON: What? No of course he's not dead, am I wearing a party hat?
A.Young: Isn't that a bit bitter boss?
MON: Bitter!? In the bible did Judas Ischariot play Champion's League after betraying Jesus?
*The lads shrug at the rhetorical question except Gabby who is pondering an answer*
Gabby: ..... Yes?......
MON: No Gabriel.
Gabby: No?.... Wasn't he the little bloke with the good dribble and the 'hand of God'
MON: That's Maradonna Gabriel and it was the in the World Cup.
Gabby: Was that before she was a singer then boss?
MON: Singer? What are you....?
Gabby: She had 'Unbelivable Tekkers'
MON: Gabriel how many times have I said not to say that silly slogan with that silly voice?
Carew: What slogan boss?
MON: 'Unbelievable Tekkers'
*the dressing room erupts with laughter*
Carew: No one does the voice as good as you boss!
MON: Enough of this foolishness anyway. It's been an eventful season lads ... and ....
*MON is welling up with tears, he sniffs*
MON: and .... Well against a team managed by Sam Allardyce I can imagine some of you won't be making it back.
*The team look at each other in shock*
MON: I mean last time we played Blackburn ..... Well.... Nigel met his end.
NRC: Hey! I'm not dead.
MON: You are to me!
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: Honestly Nigel you can't just agree with me can you? Always have to put your two penneth in. James ... James, you seem a little distracted today?
*Milner is polishing his young player of the year award, he looks up from the Brasso and rag*
Milner: Aye sorry boss, just admirin' me Young Player of tha Year award like.
Carew: Ah, I won that once, it was the proudest moment of my life.
*A sceptical Ashley Young checks Wikipedia on his trusty ever-present laptop*
A.Young: It doesn't say anything here about you wining young player of the year John?
Carew: Oh I thought you said 'Hung Playa of the Year'
*Ashley checks the laptop again*
A.Young: Oh yeah.
AND ON TO POST BLACKBURN
*We join the lads upset with the loss but over all satisfied with the league's end*
MON: Well lads, we lost to Blackburn again. On the plus side though Sam Allardyce's men didn't kill any of us.
L.Young: What about Steve boss?
*Luke Young points to the coffin rested on three dressing room chairs.*
MON: Oh.... Yes .... Stephen is a sorry loss, his father Neil will be here to pick up his remains.
*MON places a lily on the coffin, a muffled voice chimes from inside it*
Warnock: I'm not dead and Neil's not my dad!
L.Young: Hang on boss, I can hear his voice!
MON: We all can Luke, we all can. He was a great man....
Downing: Noor man, he's alive ... In the coffin like.
MON: Lads, lads lets not get delirious with grief, Robbo take Stephen to his resting place.
*Robertson wheels out a trolley.*
Warnock: No! Wait! This is just the bosses ploy to do his yearly full-back replacement! Let me out!
*MON 'shoos' Robertson to move with more urgency whilst the padlock on it's side jumps each time the lid is banged from the inside.*
Warnock: I'm alive! Aliiii.......
*The door closes behind Robertson as he exits with Warnock*
A.Young: So boss everybody's asking ..... What're you going to do now?
MON: You're right, everybody is asking and all this talk of my 'uncertain future' forced me to search out Glenn Hoddle's psychic.
A.Young: Oh yeah? What did she say?
MON: Not much more than 'don't go to the paralympics'
A.Young: Oh .... Right. Any idea if you're going to be selling anyone over the summer.
MON: Not the foggiest Ashley.
NRC: Boss I can see that you're pointing at your palm in my direction.
MON: What Nigel? I did nothing of the sort.
NRC: You're still doing it! Now you're nodding, winking and appear to be mouthing the words 'Nigel Reo-Coker'
MON: Nigel I'm offended! I would never make my business so commonplace.
Carew: And what about this '20 a season' striker all the fans are calling for?
MON: Not to worry John. That striker is already with us and next season he'll be the '20 a season' man.
Carew: I think it's a little unfair to heap so much pressure on Nathan boss, he is still just a kid and...
MON: Who said anything about Nathan?
*MON tosses Heskey an object, he instinctively catches it and peers down into his hand*
Heskey: Benson & Hedges?
MON: Yes. Twenty.
Heskey: But boss .... I don't smoke and I don't think...
MON: Emile is there anything you do do? No Goal chair!
*Curtis Davies and Bouma chuckle*
MON: Who on Earth are you!? Security! Security!