Hercs In The Dressing Room Before The Derby

*We join the lads gearing up for their clash against Birmingham City*

MON: Now I know some of you love playing the derby, eh Gabriel?

*Gabby looks confused*

Gabby: I guess?

MON: You guess? You usually love it?

Gabby: I dunno, we've not played Derby for a while, did I score past them?

MON: No Gabriel, not Derby County, 'The Derby' we're playing Birmingham City.

Gabby: Whooooo hoooooooo!!

*Gabby is running around the dressing room arms out like an aeroplane, an injured Delph has his head hung depressed*

MON: I'm sorry Fabian I know as a former European Cup winning player myself it's frustrating to be out with injury, I missed a European Cup final once, but then I came back, back to show them all with magnificent, spectacular displays that dazzled the....

Delph: Boss?

MON: Oh I'm sorry, am I going on about my European Cup winning days again?

Delph: Yeah .... A bit.

MON: When I won the European Cup twice.

Delph: Yeah! Anyway it's not just being injured .... I trained so hard to play in the derby.

*Delph recollects fighting muay thai battles in a hut in Thailand Slums, two foot tackling bears in Siberia and kicking meat carcasses hanging from hooks in abattoirs all whilst listening to encouraging 80's power ballads*

Delph: Push it to the limiiiiiiiii-eeeeeeeeet!!!!

MON: Fabian?

Fabian: Oh … Sorry boss, lost in thought a minute there.

*A fly lands on Delph's plastered foot he wiggles his toes in a vain attempt to kill it, it flys off unscathed, Delph frowns*

Collins: I'm really looking forward to the match boss, since I joined the Villa I hate anything blue..... Sorry Steve.

Sidwell: Sorry? Sorry for wha .... Oh my God!

*Sidwell catches sight of his blue motorbike in flames in the car park through the window*

Sidwell: My bike! My beautiful bike!

MON: That's the spirit!

*Sidwell darts out of the dressing room, MON calls after him*

MON: Be sure to be back five minutes before the end of the match!

*Two men appear in the doorway*

Man 1: Hey Villa losers!

Man 2: Losers!

*They chuckle*

MON: Who are you pair and what are you doing in my dressing room?

Man 2: It's me Liam Ridgewell.

*MON shrugs with no recollection*

Ridgewell: I played in defence?

*MON still looks non the wiser*

Ridgewell: I couldn't grow a moustache.

*MON shows a vague recollection.*

MON: Ah yes, Ian Ridgewell.

Ridgewell: Liam.

MON: Whatever, and you?

*Man 1 looks stunned*

Man 1: What? I only just left, it's me, Craig Gardner.

MON: Who? We don't need a gardener our groundskeeper won 'groundskeeper's groundskeeper' and 'groundskeeper of the year' this year.

Gardner: No not 'a Gardener'....

MON: Make up your mind will you? It's your name, it's not that difficult!

*The dressing room erupts with laughter*

Gardner: We played for Villa, now we play for Birmingham City.

MON: Well it says 'Home Team' above the door, can you not read? How many times must I get rid of you? 

*The dressing room erupts with laughter again, Gardner steps forward and answers defiantly*

Gardner: I can read! ...

*Gardner puts a hand to the side of his mouth and leans toward Ridgewell*

Gardner: Reading's the one where you say stuff that's on stuff right?

Ridgewell: Yeah ... I think so....

*Gardner reverts to his 'defiant' stance*

Gardner: Yeah!

*The lads all stare silently at the pair*

MON: What are you here for anyway?

Gardner: We have a message for you losers from the chairman.

MON: Which is?

Ridgewell: Can he borrow a few bob for the coach driver? He's a little short til the end of the month.

MON: Get out.

Gardner: He'll pay you back, he's good for it, honest.

MON: Out!

*Gabby breaks the awkward silence 'flying' past*

Gabby: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

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