Vital Football

Latest Aston Villa News

Hercs In The Dressing Room Pre Portsmouth

Hercs In The Dressing Room Pre Portsmouth

*We join the lads midway through their preparation for their clash against Portsmouth*

MON:....So remember, they have nothing to lose so they'll be dangerous. Also if they ask you for money say no, these people have to help themselves...

*There is a knock at the door, it's Avram the Hutt, he licks his lips.*

MON: Ah Avram! How are you?

Grant: Good thanking you very much, you know how it is when you are just winning at Wembley.

*MON looks angrily at Grant*

Grant: Maybe not. Anyway ....

*Avram the Hutt pulls a chain, on the end of it tugged along is Belhadj dressed in a Princess Leia bikini*

Grant: Belhadj, you buy? Much cheap yes?

MON: Er ... No .... Thankyou.

Grant: You sure? We not pay him many week, he'll do ANYTHING!

*MON shudders*

Grant: Behold....

*Grant produces a £5 note from his pocket*

Grant: Dance Nadir dance

*Belhadj begins dancing exotically, most of the lads recoil in disgust.*

Carew: We 'll take him!

MON: We will not! John sit back down at once!

Grant: You buy anything?

MON: Well actually, people have been saying I've been slow to react in buying a first class goal scorer, how about your Jermaine Defoe.

A.Young: Boss Jermaine doesn't ....

MON: Quiet Ashley I'm bartering here.

*Grant looks puzzled for a moment then appears to have an idea, he grabs Piquionne by the shirt and thrusts him into the dressing room*

Grant: Yes, yes Jermaine Defoe, you like? You buy?

MON: Wow , he's certainly much taller than he looks on the pitch.

A.Young: Boss, that's not....

Grant: Your boss he said be quiet little man, say hello Jermaine.

Piquionne: Bonjour?

A.Young: he's not Defoe boss!

Grant: Nonsense! Jermaine, what is your name?

Piquionne: Je m 'appelle Jermaine Defour.

Grant: Defoe!

Piquionne: Oui, oui Defoe, Defoe!

MON: You see Ashley? Don't be so mistrusting we're not dealing with Harry Redknapp here, look at Avram's honest face.

*Young looks at Avram, his bulging, sagging eyes are twitching, his tongue is hanging out of his mouth and he his rubbing his sweaty palms together, Young turns back to MON sceptically*

MON: and besides it says 'Defoe' on the back of his shirt, you can't argue with that.

A.Young: Yeah a shirt that's at least two sizes too small and at least two seasons old!

*Piquionne breaks down*

Piquionne: C 'est true! It is true, I cannot keep up this facade! I was promised your 'top flight english football' and zis team zey say they cannot afford even the letters of my name for the back of my shirt! And zey say 'do you no the cost of Qs?' Zey force me to wear ex-players shirts, shorts and underpants!

*Piquionne sobs into his hands, Heskey puts a comforting arm around him whilst giving Avram a nasty look*

Heskey: There, there.

Piquionne: Underpants!

*Piquionne continues wailing*

A.Young: Ha! What did I tell you!?

MON: Now Ashley don't be smug. Besides Portsmouth's money worries aren't down to Avram ....

Piquionne: Mr.Grant he is like the one you call Fagin from your 'Oliver!' he makes all the players steal to eat and if we come home with nothing he beats us and threatens to loan us out to Grimsby!

*The lads all look at Grant who has raised his hands*

Grant: Fellas, fellas none of this is true.

*A Grimsby Town brochure falls out of Grant's pocket, it is in a condition that would suggest it has been used to beat players with*

Grant: I can explain that.

Piquionne: And look as we speak Nadir has stuffed his bikini with your hard earned money!

Carew: What I do with my money is my business!

*The lads all look disapprovingly at Carew*

Carew: What?!

Win FREE pizza with Vital Football!
Select your team and get 50% off if they score twice.
www.papajohns.co.uk/football



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Hercs
Date:Friday April 16 2010
Time: 12:30PM

Comments

0
Brilliant stuff. Particularly: "MON: You see Ashley? Don't be so mistrusting we're not dealing with Harry Redknapp here, look at Avram's honest face"
lurman
16/04/2010 13:11:00
0
"Carew: We 'll take him!" ..... absolute class.
AV-Damo
16/04/2010 14:08:00
0
lads, seriously, too much praise for Hercs, he'll want bloody paying next, thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Fear
16/04/2010 14:11:00
0
On "Transfer Articles" I've seen since MON's come in I've seen people say we need a "20 goal a season striker" it seems we're struggling to find him so I say we broaden the search to 30, 40 maybe 50 goal a season strikers we shouldn't limit ourselves.
Hercs
16/04/2010 15:05:00
0
Another great read Hercs. Great effort. Just the pick me up needed as we face the trip to Fratton Park. Lets face it, if we cant laugh at ourselves (the dressing room), then things really are being taken way too seriously.
glensider
16/04/2010 18:06:00
0
First time I actually physically chuckled at one of these, well done, cos I'm a miserable bar steward. It was the carew line, think you've built the characters up superb.
RiF
16/04/2010 22:07:00
0
MON: You see Ashley? Don't be so mistrusting we're not dealing with Harry Redknapp here, look at Avram's honest face. Brilliant stuff, the best one yet.
Madirish
18/04/2010 00:05:00
Page 1/1
  1. 1

Login to post a comment

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Who Will Aston Villa Face In 2016/17 (3/5/16)

With less than a handful of games remaining in the 2015/16 campaign, some promotions and relegations in the football pyramid are already known.

Villa To Break The Bank For McCormack?

It's being reported that Aston Villa are hugely interested in Fulham goal machine Ross McCormack.

Pearson In Limbo With Takeover

It was being being reported over the weekend that former Leicester City manager Nigel Pearson was now the favourite to take the Villa Park hotseat in the Championship next season.

Siegrist Takes Ainsworth Praise

Young goalkeeper Benjamin Siegrist had slipped off the radar lately.

Archived Vital Villa Articles

Vital Villa articles from

Site Journalists

J P Fear
Editor email
Profile
Mike Field
Editor email
Profile
Steve Wade
no email
Profile
Villa_Grizzly
no email
Profile
Turkish Penguin
no email
Profile
Glensider
no email
Profile
Chris Heath
no email
Profile
M Calucar
no email
Profile
JuanPablo Angel
no email
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

Watford MotM
Suggested By: Site Staff
Bunn3%
Clark51%
Lescott1%
Toner3%
Hutton2%
Westwood12%
Gana1%
Bacuna2%
Cissokho1%
Ayew18%
Gestede3%
Sub - Sanchez0%
Sub - Sinclair3%
ScoopDragon Premier League Network Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
C Leicester City 36 22 11 3 77 30
2 Spurs 36 19 13 4 70 39
3 Arsenal 36 19 10 7 67 25
4 Man City 36 19 7 10 64 30
5 Man Utd 35 17 9 9 60 12
6 West Ham 35 15 14 6 59 17
7 Southampton 36 16 9 11 57 14
8 Liverpool 35 15 10 10 55 11
9 Chelsea 35 12 12 11 48 7
10 Stoke 36 13 9 14 48 -14
11 Everton 35 10 14 11 44 6
12 Watford 35 12 8 15 44 -6
13 Swansea 36 11 10 15 43 -13
14 WBA 36 10 11 15 41 -14
15 AFC Bournemouth 36 11 8 17 41 -20
16 Crystal Palace 36 10 9 17 39 -10
17 Newcastle 36 8 9 19 33 -25
18 Sunderland 35 7 11 17 32 -18
19 Norwich 35 8 7 20 31 -26
R Aston Villa 36 3 7 26 16 -45
The Vital Football Members League
Latest F1 News
The messiest start of Kvyat's career
Latest Vital Boxing News
Hughie Fury Wins After Cut Stops Fight
Vital Football Comment

Recent Aston Villa Results (view all)

Aston Villa Fixtures (view all)

May 7 2016 3:00PM : Newcastle United (H)
Barclays Premier League
May 15 2016 3:00PM : Arsenal (a)
Barclays Premier League

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.Pride of Lions89
2.kefkat48
3.The Fear37
4.sirdennis24
5.Silhillvilla20
6.DeanoVilla14
7.Thomas Holte14
8.col812
9.LORD RON SAUNDERS12
10.villasince6711
Write for Vital Football