UK time is: 03:15:43
Vital Login
Social Login

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Hercs In The Dressing Room Pre Portsmouth

*We join the lads midway through their preparation for their clash against Portsmouth*

MON:....So remember, they have nothing to lose so they'll be dangerous. Also if they ask you for money say no, these people have to help themselves...

*There is a knock at the door, it's Avram the Hutt, he licks his lips.*

MON: Ah Avram! How are you?

Grant: Good thanking you very much, you know how it is when you are just winning at Wembley.

*MON looks angrily at Grant*

Grant: Maybe not. Anyway ....

*Avram the Hutt pulls a chain, on the end of it tugged along is Belhadj dressed in a Princess Leia bikini*

Grant: Belhadj, you buy? Much cheap yes?

MON: Er ... No .... Thankyou.

Grant: You sure? We not pay him many week, he'll do ANYTHING!

*MON shudders*

Grant: Behold....

*Grant produces a 5 note from his pocket*

Grant: Dance Nadir dance

*Belhadj begins dancing exotically, most of the lads recoil in disgust.*

Carew: We 'll take him!

MON: We will not! John sit back down at once!

Grant: You buy anything?

MON: Well actually, people have been saying I've been slow to react in buying a first class goal scorer, how about your Jermaine Defoe.

A.Young: Boss Jermaine doesn't ....

MON: Quiet Ashley I'm bartering here.

*Grant looks puzzled for a moment then appears to have an idea, he grabs Piquionne by the shirt and thrusts him into the dressing room*

Grant: Yes, yes Jermaine Defoe, you like? You buy?

MON: Wow , he's certainly much taller than he looks on the pitch.

A.Young: Boss, that's not....

Grant: Your boss he said be quiet little man, say hello Jermaine.

Piquionne: Bonjour?

A.Young: he's not Defoe boss!

Grant: Nonsense! Jermaine, what is your name?

Piquionne: Je m 'appelle Jermaine Defour.

Grant: Defoe!

Piquionne: Oui, oui Defoe, Defoe!

MON: You see Ashley? Don't be so mistrusting we're not dealing with Harry Redknapp here, look at Avram's honest face.

*Young looks at Avram, his bulging, sagging eyes are twitching, his tongue is hanging out of his mouth and he his rubbing his sweaty palms together, Young turns back to MON sceptically*

MON: and besides it says 'Defoe' on the back of his shirt, you can't argue with that.

A.Young: Yeah a shirt that's at least two sizes too small and at least two seasons old!

*Piquionne breaks down*

Piquionne: C 'est true! It is true, I cannot keep up this facade! I was promised your 'top flight english football' and zis team zey say they cannot afford even the letters of my name for the back of my shirt! And zey say 'do you no the cost of Qs?' Zey force me to wear ex-players shirts, shorts and underpants!

*Piquionne sobs into his hands, Heskey puts a comforting arm around him whilst giving Avram a nasty look*

Heskey: There, there.

Piquionne: Underpants!

*Piquionne continues wailing*

A.Young: Ha! What did I tell you!?

MON: Now Ashley don't be smug. Besides Portsmouth's money worries aren't down to Avram ....

Piquionne: Mr.Grant he is like the one you call Fagin from your 'Oliver!' he makes all the players steal to eat and if we come home with nothing he beats us and threatens to loan us out to Grimsby!

*The lads all look at Grant who has raised his hands*

Grant: Fellas, fellas none of this is true.

*A Grimsby Town brochure falls out of Grant's pocket, it is in a condition that would suggest it has been used to beat players with*

Grant: I can explain that.

Piquionne: And look as we speak Nadir has stuffed his bikini with your hard earned money!

Carew: What I do with my money is my business!

*The lads all look disapprovingly at Carew*

Carew: What?!




Use your social login to comment on front page articles. Login using you Facebook, Twitter, Google or LinkedIn accounts and have your say!



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Hercs Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday April 16 2010

Time: 12:30PM

Your Comments

Brilliant stuff. Particularly: "MON: You see Ashley? Don't be so mistrusting we're not dealing with Harry Redknapp here, look at Avram's honest face"
lurman
"Carew: We 'll take him!" ..... absolute class.
AV-Damo
lads, seriously, too much praise for Hercs, he'll want bloody paying next, thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Fear
On "Transfer Articles" I've seen since MON's come in I've seen people say we need a "20 goal a season striker" it seems we're struggling to find him so I say we broaden the search to 30, 40 maybe 50 goal a season strikers we shouldn't limit ourselves.
Hercs
Another great read Hercs. Great effort. Just the pick me up needed as we face the trip to Fratton Park. Lets face it, if we cant laugh at ourselves (the dressing room), then things really are being taken way too seriously.
glensider
First time I actually physically chuckled at one of these, well done, cos I'm a miserable bar steward. It was the carew line, think you've built the characters up superb.
RiF
MON: You see Ashley? Don't be so mistrusting we're not dealing with Harry Redknapp here, look at Avram's honest face. Brilliant stuff, the best one yet.
Madirish
 

Have Your Say

Log in...
with your social network     OR     with your Vital account

Recent Aston Villa Articles

The Villa Times - 20/10/2014 (Monday October 20 2014)

Vital Villa Fantasy League Update (Monday October 20 2014)

Senderos For QPR, Okore Not Ready? (Monday October 20 2014)

Robinson Extends Preston Stay (Sunday October 19 2014)

Baker A Doubt For QPR (Sunday October 19 2014)

Villa Linked With Ings? (Sunday October 19 2014)

Stats: Everton v Aston Villa (Saturday October 18 2014)

Golf Day With Villa Legends (Saturday October 18 2014)

Archived Aston Villa Articles

List All Vital Villa Articles
Have your say
Click here to suggest an article
Click here to suggest a poll

Vital Members League (view all)

1. Pride of Lions 600
2. The Fear 558
3. ClivetheVillan 506
4. thefacehead 420
5. HeathfieldRoad1874 229
6. sirdennis 191
7. kefkat 190
8. Villan Of The North 129
9. Clubpaver 111
10. DeanoVilla 96

League Results (view all)

League Table (view table)

Team P W D L GD Pts
9. Spurs 8 3 2 3 -1 11
10. Stoke 8 3 2 3 -1 11
11. Hull City 8 2 4 2 0 10
12. Aston Villa 8 3 1 4 -8 10
13. Everton 8 2 3 3 0 9
14. WBA 8 2 3 3 -1 9
15. Leicester City 8 2 3 3 -2 9

Breaking League News

Not Long For de Jong
Newcastle : 20/10/2014 22:20:00
WBA : 20/10/2014 21:51:00
Rate The Players: Stoke City 2-1 Swansea City
Swansea : 20/10/2014 21:09:00
West Brom v United - Team Sheets
Man Utd : 20/10/2014 19:04:00
A Look Back to A Saintly Beginning
Southampton : 20/10/2014 18:37:00

Current Site Poll (view all polls)

Everton MotM
Suggested By:  MF
Guzan 6%
Hutton 57%
Vlaar 0%
Baker 0%
Cissokho 0%
Cleverley 23%
Westwood 1%
Richardson 1%
N'Zogbia 4%
Benteke 1%
Agbonlahor 1%
Sub - Clark 3%
Sub - Weimann 0%
Sub - Cole 3%