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'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Hercs In The Dressing Room Post Chelsea Robbery

*We join MON speaking in the dressing room dejected after the lads loss at Wembley*

MON: Well that went as planned, except for the loss of course, I mean we showed some good fight out there and conceded some late goals and sure the media will blame a tired squad but that is hogwash and we all know.....

*MON is interrupted by loud snoring, he pauses and scans the room to see the dressing room asleep*

Gabby: .... Pregnant!?......

Heskey: ..... By far the proudest of my achievements .... Few strikers get the World Cup Golden Boot....

Delph: ....Die! Die! Die!... Red card!? ... I didn't even touch him!.... Is it because I'm not John Terry!?....

Carew: .....Free dance night!?......

MON: LADS!

*The lads jumped startled, some of their Aston Villa sleeping caps fly off, Ashley Young raises his head from Carews shoulder and stretches.*

A.Young: What's up boss?

MON: The match lads, though we lost, good effort.

*MON strolls toward Heskey and tears off the 'Respect' patch on his shirt sleeve, waving it it to the lads.*

Heskey: Hey!

MON: But this!? You can forget this!

Milner: Mad about tha' penalty and John Terry's attempted murder like boss?

MON: Yes James .... But something more ....

*MON flashes back to his approach to Howard Webb's dressing room post match to dispute his decisions*

............................

*MON knocks on the door, it's a little open already and what sounds like Karaoke is blaring out, MON gently edges the door open further*

MON: Listen Mr.Webb I....

*MON's jaw drops and he is stunned to silence, Howard Webb has his back to MON and is dancing in a long, blonde, curly wig, he is stripped to a vest and his shorts*

Webb: R.E.S.P.E.C.T! Found out what it means to me! ....

*Webb blows the rest of the tune on his ref's whistle, he has fists full of cash with a briefcase sat on the dresser which has 'NOT Bribe Money' embossed on it ... Webb notices MON's presence*

Webb: Oh .... Err Martin .... It's not what it looks like.

MON: So you're not butchering an Aretha Franklin classic?

Webb: Well ... Yes ... I mean I've not been bribed. I can assure you that any decisions throughout the match were down to big four media bias and were not in anyway financially endorsed.

MON: You're reading a statement ... A statement I just saw you pull from the briefcase you have clearly received from Roman Ambromavic.

Webb: What!? Nonsense.

*MON raises the tag on the brief case*

MON: Then what's this?

*The tag is a picture of Roman Ambromavic with a large grin and two thumbs up*

Webb: Well that could be any Russian oligarch!

*MON sighs and strolls back to the Villa dressing room*

...........................

MON: Well lads, nevermind, worse things have happened, we all survived.

*Milner is rubbing his leg, a tear rolls down his cheek*

Milner: Sometimes like, I wish I never.

MON: Don't you worry James, we'll have our revenge, first we get as many of you as we can in the England team .... Then ....




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The Journalist

Writer: Hercs Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Monday April 12 2010

Time: 12:39PM

Your Comments

No Zbam, this is entirely factual reportage.
lorenzo
lol, brilliant, almost Pretchett-esque! :>
thorpyuk
For legal reasons I'd like to add this is not factual reportage. The wig was a black bob.
Hercs
I just hope that when the boys go to play in the world cup (probably just Milner and Heskey) that young James pins Terry the THUG down, and Emile plans his bare anus right on his face.

And everyone I speak to thinks the git is a disgrace to the national team.

I'm afraid this one made me angry Hercs, cos I can well imagine there is some truth in it.
RiF
For the so-called number one ref to be so blinkered does cause one to wonder.
SFC Forever
 

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