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In The Dressing Room (Herc's Spoof)

*We join the lads gearing up for the first leg of their semi-final against Blackburn* In The Dressing Room - Pre-Carling Cup Semi!

*We join Emile Heskey in a dressing gown and underpants, he's playing Call of Duty on the XBox and is holding the phone between his face and his shoulder*

Heskey: Hi Boss, I can't make it to today's match. I'm snowed in.

MON: What!? This is terrible Emile!

Heskey: Yeah I know, it's a real shame. I was looking forward to playing Sam Allardyce's Blackburn in the cold and snow but alas I'm trying my best I just can't dig my way out.

TV: 'Dogs! Coming right at us!'

Heskey: Die you stinking mutt!

MON: Emile!? Did you just call me a stinking mutt!?

Heskey: No..... It's a dog ........ trying to stop my digging plight.

MON: And you're trying to kill it?

Heskey: Yes? .... With the shovel, the shovel I'm digging my way out of the snow with.

MON: You show that dog who's boss Emile!

Heskey: OK boss anyway have a nice match, bye.

*Heskey hears a loud whirring outside, he opens his front door and peers out*

MON (with Megaphone): Emile grab the ladder!

*a helicopter is hovering above Heskey's head, MON has thrown down a rope ladder, Heskey climbs it and sits miserably next to MON*

Heskey: Boss really, you shouldn't have.

MON: It'll take more than an injury or avalanche to stop me fielding you Emile.

Heskey: Yeah, great, cheers.

MON: Aren't you cold?

*****************

*MON strolls confidently into a press conference, he takes a seat and wiggles his glasses*

MON: Good afternoon everyone, a bit chilly isn't it? Any questions?

Journo #1: Hi Martin, Bob from the Sun.

MON: Hello Bob, nice scarf.

Journo #1: Thanks, have you anything to say about the rumour I just made up that you're interested in signing Victor Moses.

MON: Well.... You just said you made it up there.

Journo #1: Yes, but do you confirm or deny your interest?

MON: Well I've heard alot about this lad, mainly from links to other clubs.

Journo #1: Yes I made them all up, so are you going to sign him or what?

MON: I doubt it. I have three lads waiting in the wings Albrighton, Clark and Delfouneso in many ways they're like new signings.

Journo #1: Not really like new signings are they Martin? They're alot more like products of the youth system, not very exciting. How about Callum Best, like Callum Best would you?

MON: Does Callum Best even play football?

*Bob mutters to himself as he jots on his notepad*

Journo #1: 'Martin O'Neill in Best Slam'

MON: Hang on what are you writing there?

Journo #2: Hi Martin, Richard here from the Daily Express.

MON: Hello Richard, mind if I call you Dick or Dicky?

Journo #2: Yes I do mind. Not signing any foreigners are you?

MON: I'm not signing anyone, I've said it 100 times.

Journo #2: Good, good. Joining the fight against the extremists are you?

MON: What? What're you talking about?

*Richard mutters to himself as he jots on his notepad, whilst taking another spoon of cottage cheese*

Journo #2: 'O'Neill vows to keep football british'

MON: Now hang on I didn't say anything of the sort!

*Richard is packing his things together*

Journo #2: Bye Martin, watch out for immigrants.

Journo #3: Alright Martin, Daily Star.

MON: Hi I..

*Journo #3 Unfolds a double page poster of a topless glamour girl*

Journo #3: Check out the norks on that!

MON: Er.... Very nice ... Any football related questions?

Journo #3: Nah, we'll just copy The Sun.

Journo #1: Hey!

*******




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The Journalist

Writer: Hercs Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Wednesday January 13 2010

Time: 7:54PM

Your Comments

always good for a giggle these!
The Fear
always good for a giggle these!
The Fear
i actually think thts wht happens. more realistic than i would like to think. funny though!
overlooked_villan
i actually think thts wht happens. more realistic than i would like to think. funny though!
overlooked_villan
What are norks? Do norks play football? Do we have any norks playing for Villa? (There's an obvious answer to that last question). Hercs; as usual you've cheered me up no end. Thanks.
andy5759
What are norks? Do norks play football? Do we have any norks playing for Villa? (There's an obvious answer to that last question). Hercs; as usual you've cheered me up no end. Thanks.
andy5759
Brilliant Hercs. On par with the pre-Burnley one that.
JayVFC
Brilliant Hercs. On par with the pre-Burnley one that.
JayVFC
Can you imagine if we actually do go and sign a 15m player this January?????? Oneill will be king of kings and The Holte will start singing Robbie Williams - Angels to him.
Stig
Can you imagine if we actually do go and sign a 15m player this January?????? Oneill will be king of kings and The Holte will start singing Robbie Williams - Angels to him.
Stig
I've not got "Angels" in my vocal range, I'll sing "Rude Box" to him lol
hercs
I've not got "Angels" in my vocal range, I'll sing "Rude Box" to him lol
hercs
 

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