Vital Football

Latest Aston Villa News

In The Dressing Room (Herc's Spoof)

In The Dressing Room (Herc's Spoof)

*We join the lads gearing up for the first leg of their semi-final against Blackburn* In The Dressing Room - Pre-Carling Cup Semi!

*We join Emile Heskey in a dressing gown and underpants, he's playing Call of Duty on the XBox and is holding the phone between his face and his shoulder*

Heskey: Hi Boss, I can't make it to today's match. I'm snowed in.

MON: What!? This is terrible Emile!

Heskey: Yeah I know, it's a real shame. I was looking forward to playing Sam Allardyce's Blackburn in the cold and snow but alas I'm trying my best I just can't dig my way out.

TV: 'Dogs! Coming right at us!'

Heskey: Die you stinking mutt!

MON: Emile!? Did you just call me a stinking mutt!?

Heskey: No..... It's a dog ........ trying to stop my digging plight.

MON: And you're trying to kill it?

Heskey: Yes? .... With the shovel, the shovel I'm digging my way out of the snow with.

MON: You show that dog who's boss Emile!

Heskey: OK boss anyway have a nice match, bye.

*Heskey hears a loud whirring outside, he opens his front door and peers out*

MON (with Megaphone): Emile grab the ladder!

*a helicopter is hovering above Heskey's head, MON has thrown down a rope ladder, Heskey climbs it and sits miserably next to MON*

Heskey: Boss really, you shouldn't have.

MON: It'll take more than an injury or avalanche to stop me fielding you Emile.

Heskey: Yeah, great, cheers.

MON: Aren't you cold?

*****************

*MON strolls confidently into a press conference, he takes a seat and wiggles his glasses*

MON: Good afternoon everyone, a bit chilly isn't it? Any questions?

Journo #1: Hi Martin, Bob from the Sun.

MON: Hello Bob, nice scarf.

Journo #1: Thanks, have you anything to say about the rumour I just made up that you're interested in signing Victor Moses.

MON: Well.... You just said you made it up there.

Journo #1: Yes, but do you confirm or deny your interest?

MON: Well I've heard alot about this lad, mainly from links to other clubs.

Journo #1: Yes I made them all up, so are you going to sign him or what?

MON: I doubt it. I have three lads waiting in the wings Albrighton, Clark and Delfouneso in many ways they're like new signings.

Journo #1: Not really like new signings are they Martin? They're alot more like products of the youth system, not very exciting. How about Callum Best, like Callum Best would you?

MON: Does Callum Best even play football?

*Bob mutters to himself as he jots on his notepad*

Journo #1: 'Martin O'Neill in Best Slam'

MON: Hang on what are you writing there?

Journo #2: Hi Martin, Richard here from the Daily Express.

MON: Hello Richard, mind if I call you Dick or Dicky?

Journo #2: Yes I do mind. Not signing any foreigners are you?

MON: I'm not signing anyone, I've said it 100 times.

Journo #2: Good, good. Joining the fight against the extremists are you?

MON: What? What're you talking about?

*Richard mutters to himself as he jots on his notepad, whilst taking another spoon of cottage cheese*

Journo #2: 'O'Neill vows to keep football british'

MON: Now hang on I didn't say anything of the sort!

*Richard is packing his things together*

Journo #2: Bye Martin, watch out for immigrants.

Journo #3: Alright Martin, Daily Star.

MON: Hi I..

*Journo #3 Unfolds a double page poster of a topless glamour girl*

Journo #3: Check out the norks on that!

MON: Er.... Very nice ... Any football related questions?

Journo #3: Nah, we'll just copy The Sun.

Journo #1: Hey!

*******



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Hercs
Date:Wednesday January 13 2010
Time: 7:54PM

Comments

0
always good for a giggle these!
The Fear
13/01/2010 20:12:00
0
always good for a giggle these!
The Fear
13/01/2010 20:12:00
0
i actually think thts wht happens. more realistic than i would like to think. funny though!
overlooked_villan
13/01/2010 20:17:00
0
i actually think thts wht happens. more realistic than i would like to think. funny though!
overlooked_villan
13/01/2010 20:17:00
0
What are norks? Do norks play football? Do we have any norks playing for Villa? (There's an obvious answer to that last question). Hercs; as usual you've cheered me up no end. Thanks.
andy5759
13/01/2010 21:09:00
0
What are norks? Do norks play football? Do we have any norks playing for Villa? (There's an obvious answer to that last question). Hercs; as usual you've cheered me up no end. Thanks.
andy5759
13/01/2010 21:09:00
0
Brilliant Hercs. On par with the pre-Burnley one that.
JayVFC
14/01/2010 01:08:00
0
Brilliant Hercs. On par with the pre-Burnley one that.
JayVFC
14/01/2010 01:08:00
0
Can you imagine if we actually do go and sign a £15m player this January?????? Oneill will be king of kings and The Holte will start singing Robbie Williams - Angels to him.
Stig
14/01/2010 14:00:00
0
Can you imagine if we actually do go and sign a £15m player this January?????? Oneill will be king of kings and The Holte will start singing Robbie Williams - Angels to him.
Stig
14/01/2010 14:00:00
Page 1/2
  1. 1
  2. 2

Login to post a comment

Best of Vital Network

Vital Boxing - Brook Fancies Spence Job

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Wyness Explains Pre Season Plans

Chief Executive Steve Wyness has confirmed that Aston Villa's summer friendlies will have a more local feel to them this summer at the request of manager Steve Bruce.

Villa Head To Germany In Pre Season

Aston Villa confirmed yesterday that the first team group would head to Germany for a mini tournament as we prepare for the 2017/18 campaign.

HK - Villa Squad Announced For Soccer Sevens

Aston Villa confirmed yesterday that Keinan Davis and Corey Blackett-Taylor will lead the line at this weekend's Hong Kong Soccer Sevens tournament.

Jedinak Feels Settled At Villa

Australian international midfielder Mile Jedinak has said he now feels 'right at home' at Aston Villa following the summer switch from Crystal Palace.

Archived Vital Villa Articles

Vital Villa articles from

Site Journalists

J P Fear
Editor email
Profile
Mike Field
Editor email
Profile
Steve Wade
no email
Profile
JuanPablo Angel
no email
Profile
Glensider
no email
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

I'm all out of questions at the moment
Suggested By:
You can suggest one50%
if you want to!50%
ScoopDragon Publishing Entire League Network of Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
C Newcastle 46 29 7 10 94 45
P Brighton 46 28 9 9 93 34
3 Reading 46 26 7 13 85 4
4 Sheff Wed 46 24 9 13 81 15
5 Huddersfield 46 25 6 15 81 -2
6 Fulham 46 22 14 10 80 28
7 Leeds Utd 46 22 9 15 75 14
8 Norwich 46 20 10 16 70 16
9 Derby County 46 18 13 15 67 4
10 Brentford 46 18 10 18 64 10
11 Preston 46 16 14 16 62 1
12 Cardiff 46 17 11 18 62 -1
13 Aston Villa 46 16 14 16 62 -1
14 Barnsley 46 15 13 18 58 -3
15 Wolves 46 16 10 20 58 -4
16 Ipswich 46 13 16 17 55 -10
17 Bristol City 46 15 9 22 54 -6
18 Q.P.R. 46 15 8 23 53 -14
19 Birmingham 46 13 14 19 53 -19
20 Burton 46 13 13 20 52 -14
21 Forest 46 14 9 23 51 -10
R Blackburn 46 12 15 19 51 -12
R Wigan 46 10 12 24 42 -17
R Rotherham 46 5 8 33 23 -58
The Vital Football Members League
Latest F1 News
Blog: Monaco Preview
Latest Vital Boxing News
Bramall Lane Promotion Security Increased
Vital Football Comment

Recent Aston Villa Results (view all)

Aston Villa Fixtures (view all)

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.The Fear348
2.JuanPabloAngel321
3.sirdennis227
4.BBJ193
5.Pride of Lions175
6.villasince67172
7.Silhillvilla131
8.kefkat126
9.BodyButter121
10.col8118
Write for Vital Football