In The Dressing Room - Pre-Carling Cup Semi!

*We join the lads gearing up for the first leg of their semi-final against Blackburn*

MON: I've got some sad news lads.

*The lads brace themselves for bad news*

MON: It's going to be tricky trying to keep Craig at the club....

*Craig Gardner is gripping both sides of the doorframe, MON is barging him in the back with his shoulder*

MON: See the thing is, he wants first team football and the offer from the Blue side of the City is too good to pass for him.

*MON is continually attempting to ram Gardner out of the door, he is barely budging*

Gardner: No! I didn't say that! Let me stay, I don't want first team football, I'll do anything!

MON: It's not that I want the £3.5 million lads, we just don't want to hold back Craig's career.

*MON is biting Gardner's hand, whilst still trying to force him out the door*

Gardner: Look I've got plans I could be another lion mascot, like a Scrappy-doo type one, the kids 'll love it and I can .....

MON: No, no Craig we wouldn't want to keep you here another season against your will.

*Alex McCleish arrives with a large novelty cheque and a cat carrier*

Garder: No! Nooooo!

*MON and McCleish stuff Gardner into the cat carrier, he's still scratching at the door*

McCleish: Och! He's a feisty 'un he'll fit righ' in.

*MON yanks the cheque and slams the door in McCleish's face*

MON: No refunds! Anyway lads, I'll keep it short we have a psychological advantage going into this match. I have something for each of you.

*MON walks by all the lads handing them each a suitcase. The lads pop them open to reveal....*

A.Young: Rifles!?

MON: Rifles, now if any Blackburn player enters the box, bring the mother down.

*Delph raises his hand*

MON: Fabian?

Delph: I'm not sure the FA allows the use of rifles boss, if we use them on players in the box we're bound to give away penalties and perhaps be prosecuted by the laws of the land?

MON: Have you never heard commentators say 'if he'd done that on the street he'd have been arrested'?

Delph: Yes Mr. Martin but I don't think that...

MON: It's different rules on the pitch Fabian, you'll learn that.

*Dunne raise his hand*

MON: Richard?

Dunne: and tha' pennos bass?

MON: Brad Guzan.

*The dressing room nods and makes a sound of satisfaction and agreement*

Sidwell: Boss, why have I not got a rifle?

MON: You're dangerous enough Steve.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter*

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