In The Dressing Room (Burnley) Spoof
*We join the lads at Turf Moor as they chatter in anticipation for their match against Burnley* By Hercs
MON: Alright lads, now Burnley may look like a team of half-soaked pirates but they can play some football.
*Ashley Young raises his hand*
Young: You're standing on my foot boss.
MON: Well I'd apologise Ashley but I have little choice, after all this 'changing room' is a portaloo, besides you don't hear Craig complaining and I'm stood on his face.
Gardner(muffled): Just glad to be helping the team boss.
*NRC and Carew are shivering outside*
NRC: We can't hear you boss!
*MON unlocks and sticks his head outside the door*
MON: Well I'm sorry, but what do you want me to do sit on the toilet and have you in one at a time on my knee like a santa's grotto!?
Carew: Well that was my idea and I think...
*MON slams and locks the door*
NRC: Stupid boss and his favourites.
*The door unlocks and opens, MON sticks his head out*
MON: What was that!?
NRC: Nothing boss.
MON: I thought not!
*MON slams and locks the door again*
MON: Now we won 5-1 against Bolton and with Stilyan and Emile back we should be a ten times more potent threat with pace and goals.
*The portaloo erupts with laughter, NRC and Carew frown at the laughter outside*
MON: But enough jokes, like I said Burnley are every bit as dangerous as their weather-beaten, disheveled looking faces would suggest.
Heskey: So boss, how be it that we vanquish these vagrants forsooth?
MON: In my tactical genius I have come up with a secret weapon. Moustapha!
Salifou: Finally. I always knew that Togo's finest would get his shot at the ....
MON: What're you talking about? Fetch me my bag.
*a deflated Salifou passes MON an Asda bag, MON withdraws it's contents*
MON: Yes, genius is it not? You'll each have a bar and chase your man with it, they'll not have a clue what to do when presented with a cleaning agent.
Cuellar: Och! and it will nay dry their skin like soap can.
MON: Ha! Very good Carlos, now could you perhaps move your face? You're giving me a rash.
*there is a banging on the door*
NRC: Boss, boss let us in there are a crew of what look like pirates approaching!