UK time is: 16:12:11
Vital Login
Social Login

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

In The Dressing Room (Burnley) Spoof

*We join the lads at Turf Moor as they chatter in anticipation for their match against Burnley* By Hercs

MON: Alright lads, now Burnley may look like a team of half-soaked pirates but they can play some football.

*Ashley Young raises his hand*

MON: Ashley?

Young: You're standing on my foot boss.

MON: Well I'd apologise Ashley but I have little choice, after all this 'changing room' is a portaloo, besides you don't hear Craig complaining and I'm stood on his face.

Gardner(muffled): Just glad to be helping the team boss.

*NRC and Carew are shivering outside*

NRC: We can't hear you boss!

*MON unlocks and sticks his head outside the door*

MON: Well I'm sorry, but what do you want me to do sit on the toilet and have you in one at a time on my knee like a santa's grotto!?

Carew: Well that was my idea and I think...

*MON slams and locks the door*

NRC: Stupid boss and his favourites.

*The door unlocks and opens, MON sticks his head out*

MON: What was that!?

NRC: Nothing boss.

MON: I thought not!

*MON slams and locks the door again*

MON: Now we won 5-1 against Bolton and with Stilyan and Emile back we should be a ten times more potent threat with pace and goals.

*The portaloo erupts with laughter, NRC and Carew frown at the laughter outside*

MON: But enough jokes, like I said Burnley are every bit as dangerous as their weather-beaten, disheveled looking faces would suggest.

Heskey: So boss, how be it that we vanquish these vagrants forsooth?

MON: In my tactical genius I have come up with a secret weapon. Moustapha!

Salifou: Finally. I always knew that Togo's finest would get his shot at the ....

MON: What're you talking about? Fetch me my bag.

*a deflated Salifou passes MON an Asda bag, MON withdraws it's contents*

MON: Voila!

Young: Dove!?

MON: Yes, genius is it not? You'll each have a bar and chase your man with it, they'll not have a clue what to do when presented with a cleaning agent.

Cuellar: Och! and it will nay dry their skin like soap can.

MON: Ha! Very good Carlos, now could you perhaps move your face? You're giving me a rash.

*there is a banging on the door*

NRC: Boss, boss let us in there are a crew of what look like pirates approaching!

By Hercs!




Use your social login to comment on front page articles. Login using you Facebook, Twitter, Google or LinkedIn accounts and have your say!



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: J P Fear Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday November 19 2009

Time: 1:11PM

Your Comments

"Writer: J P Fear" I'll see you in court. lol
Hercs
"Writer: J P Fear" I'll see you in court. lol
Hercs
Portacloo? You will be lucky, that's sheer luxury round these parts. You will have to use the smallest changing room in the Football League (apart from Crewe I think) and don't expect any hot water to come out the tap, in fact any water!! ;-)
turfmanphil
Portacloo? You will be lucky, that's sheer luxury round these parts. You will have to use the smallest changing room in the Football League (apart from Crewe I think) and don't expect any hot water to come out the tap, in fact any water!! ;-)
turfmanphil
I can imagine standing next door Jensen revs a chainsaw whilst Eagles screams a high pitched shriek for the whole duration of the away teams team talks.
Hercs
I can imagine standing next door Jensen revs a chainsaw whilst Eagles screams a high pitched shriek for the whole duration of the away teams team talks.
Hercs
lol, oh bugger, usually change that... feck, can't do that in admin, will add a thing in the article instead! Says on the front page intro though! :o)
vitalfootballadmin
lol, oh bugger, usually change that... feck, can't do that in admin, will add a thing in the article instead! Says on the front page intro though! :o)
vitalfootballadmin
"lol, oh bugger, usually change that... feck, can't do that in admin, will add a thing in the article instead! Says on the front page intro though!" That's exactly what J.K.Rowling said, I let that slide then look what happened! lol.
Hercs
"lol, oh bugger, usually change that... feck, can't do that in admin, will add a thing in the article instead! Says on the front page intro though!" That's exactly what J.K.Rowling said, I let that slide then look what happened! lol.
Hercs
Ha, done twice. Feck, even my login was wrong today, it has all gone pete tong!
The Fear
Ha, done twice. Feck, even my login was wrong today, it has all gone pete tong!
The Fear
Carew: Well that was my idea and I think... <-- Classic!
Stourbridge Villan
Carew: Well that was my idea and I think... <-- Classic!
Stourbridge Villan
Class Hercs, pure class. Thanks and keep them coming.
andy5759
Class Hercs, pure class. Thanks and keep them coming.
andy5759
Loved it gave me a real giggle, although we don't have an away dressing room they have to use pub toilets accross road.
sheclaret
Loved it gave me a real giggle, although we don't have an away dressing room they have to use pub toilets accross road.
sheclaret
Brilliant Hercs. Best 'in the dressing room' for quite a while. I'm always keeping my eyes out for these post as they are always good for a laugh. Keep them coming!
JayVFC
Brilliant Hercs. Best 'in the dressing room' for quite a while. I'm always keeping my eyes out for these post as they are always good for a laugh. Keep them coming!
JayVFC
 

Have Your Say

Log in...
with your social network     OR     with your Vital account

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Lambert - We Were Excellent (Thursday July 24 2014)

FC Dallas 0-2 Aston Villa (Thursday July 24 2014)

Gardner To Make 2014-15 His Year (Wednesday July 23 2014)

Roncrete's Sett(led) At Villa (Wednesday July 23 2014)

Vlaar Bar (Wednesday July 23 2014)

Taxi for Tonev (Tuesday July 22 2014)

Full Squad For Texan Tour (Monday July 21 2014)

Archived Aston Villa Articles

List All Vital Villa Articles
Have your say
Click here to suggest an article
Click here to suggest a poll

Vital Members League (view all)

1. The Fear 835
2. ClivetheVillan 571
3. Pride of Lions 427
4. kefkat 318
5. sirdennis 209
6. HeathfieldRoad1874 195
7. Green Tea 188
8. Clubpaver 177
9. Juan Mourep 175
10. Villan Of The North 161

League Results (view all)

Latest Results

League Table (view table)

Team P W D L GD Pts
1. Arsenal 0 0 0 0 +0 0
2. Aston Villa 0 0 0 0 +0 0
3. Burnley 0 0 0 0 +0 0
4. Chelsea 0 0 0 0 +0 0
5. Crystal Palace 0 0 0 0 +0 0
6. Everton 0 0 0 0 +0 0
7. Hull City 0 0 0 0 +0 0

Breaking League News

United Have a Rival for Vermaelen`s Signature!
Man Utd : 26/07/2014 12:51:00
A Critical Decision needs to be Made!
Chelsea : 26/07/2014 12:41:00
Is the Pressure Already Building on Sam?
West Ham : 26/07/2014 12:25:00
Hammers Beaten Again (By Sydney FC)
West Ham : 26/07/2014 12:18:00
Dutchman Linked to United Again!
Man Utd : 26/07/2014 12:08:00

Current Site Poll (view all polls)

Darren Bent?
Suggested By:  JP Fear
Still needs to be sold 9%
Should be a starter 31%
Good for squad/off bench 59%
No idea! 1%