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Villa transfer window bingo!

I’m so bored, I’ve actually begun to weep tears of blood. The close season, as we know, is a marathon of tedium; a traffic-jam of anxiety. The rumours, the gossip, the wildly optimistic speculation – its all so addictive. Will we sign that European wonderkid, that proven Premiership goalscorer, that rectangular goalie? No. Man United will.

Those waiting for Villa to swap squads with Inter Milan may have to wait a little longer. Sure, you could distract yourself by attending hypocritically eco-unfriendly pop concerts or being kidnapped by Islamic fundamentalists whilst reporting for the BBC, but it’s much more fun to gaze blankly at a computer screen in the vain hope of a glimpse of our new Nike socks.

So to spice it up a bit, Vital Villa has invented Transfer Window Bingo. Not only is it fun for approximately two-thirds of the family, it’s also likely to make easily-offended people regurgitate their own ribcages in disgust, which is always fun. Also, it’s now your only chance to play bingo whilst smoking lovely, lovely fags.

Award yourself one million points every time you notice one of the following events occur. Feel free to add your own in the virtual space below, and let us know how you get on.

Eyes down!

1) We are linked with a striker from a rival Premiership club. Punctuation-deprived fans from said club invade Villa messageboards to inform us that “he wont go to Villa you aint good enuf he’s worth ten times wot your offering birmingham is a shithole you cant fill the stadium you all talk funny oneil is the worst manager in the league and your balti pies taste like my dog’s cock”.

2) We sign said striker. The invading hoards unanimously agree that he is worse at football than a fold-away occasional table, and worth about as much money as a holiday in Basra with a sewn-up prostitute.

3) Lee Hendrie tells anyone who’ll listen that a “whole host” of premiership clubs are “queuing up” for his “signature” (which looks like this: X).

4) The entire country’s limbs fall off due to an outbreak of leprosy just before England’s next match, apart from Gareth Barry who is immune. Steve McClaren picks a stationary Stuart Downing to play on the left.

5) Carlos Tevez signs for every single premiership club on a timeshare basis. The fixture list is re-arranged to allow him to play 45 minutes for each team in every match. At the end of the season, all 20 clubs narrowly avoid relegation.

6) Alex Ferguson signs a 6.5m x 2.5m pile of money as his new goalkeeper.

7) Inter-site bickering reaches a new level when fans of our new striker’s former club declare all our players to be unable to pass, shoot, score, head, dribble, tackle, run, walk, see, change a spare tyre or achieve a sustained erection.

8) Lee Hendrie mouths off about “strong interest” from Wolverhampton Wanderers. “They could easily make the money back by not giving me a shirt,” he says. “They can just paint a number on my back and a wolf’s head on my left nipple. I’ll blend right in.”

9) Craig Bellamy takes up cricket as a hobby. The entire West Ham squad puts in a transfer request.

10) Uncertainty surrounding Sheffield United’s ongoing legal battle means they must spend the season playing against themselves in a one-team ‘quarantine’ league division. They are relegated.

11) Our stylish new Nike home shirt is unveiled to the masses. It is smaller than a three-man tent and sports fewer chevrons than the M1. The resulting identity crisis leads our players to believe that they are playing for Burnley.

12) Joey Barton, having punched a teenage fan, mooned Everton supporters and hospitalised a team mate, reaches a shocking new low by doing the unthinkable and signing for Newcastle United. Oh, hang on, that’s already happened.

13) Fans of our new striker’s former club declare their city to be better than ours, their houses more opulent, their cars more powerful, their dogs more attractive, and their penises more satisfying to grip. They then shock the world with the revelation that their dads could well easily beat up our dads.

14) Villa return from their US tour with a mysterious, unfamiliar new squad member. When revealed to be David Beckham wearing a comedy moustache, he issues the following press statement: “shhhh”.

15) Lee Hendrie signs for Tamworth.

Previously by MozVillan:

Villa Times From 2017
Villa Dreams
I Want Ice Cream

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The Journalist

Writer: MozVillan Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday July 12 2007

Time: 11:32AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
That brought a smile to my face on a dull day, cheers : )
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 11:52:00

Great writing as usual.
The Fear
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 12:07:00

That was definately worth the read lol left the page with a big grin on my face.
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 12:13:00

Genius,ta for a break from the pain.
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 12:19:00

nice one...
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 12:38:00

Excellent read. Well done that man!
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 12:53:00

Great post, hats off
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 13:09:00

I've got 9m points already - yippee - do I win anything? Great article - well worth the time to read. Staff writer in the making? Thanks.
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 13:49:00

LMAO Nice one :-D
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 13:49:00

Great article Moz, LMFAO - a pity Mr Fear didn't put up the picture of those shorts again!
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 14:08:00

Would be funny if it wasn't so sad - what on earth is MON playing at ? - thought he wanted his players in early for pre season ? - seems we are no further forward than a few years back - 5 out 1 in !
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 14:28:00

Maybe No16 could be " Lawrie Sanchez buys a N.I international " he`s just bought another one !!! He`s obsessed,he may try and buy MON??
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 16:54:00

BINGO..!! Great read MozVillan, just read the Villa 2017.Quality, keep up comin.With no recent signings and the constant rain, I need all the cheering up I can get.
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 17:42:00

How about 16) Karen Brady caught out in affair with the whole Birmingham City squad
Report Abuse
12/07/2007 19:49:00

MozVillan great artical, certainly brightens the dull (no transfer news days) I suspect the faithful on Vital Villa to be shouting house any day. Hendrie to Tamworth is unlikely as a lower division club is talking to him, yes you guessed Middlesboro want another Villa player. I suppose they want to keep up with the Boltons of this world.
Report Abuse
13/07/2007 10:16:00

Well written MoxVillan. You've managed to raise more than a flicker of a smile with your entertaining, and very humourous take on the tedium and mass boredom that is the 2007 close season, certainly as far as all Villans are concerned. Can things get any worse? You'd better believe they can, so may I suggest you start penning another article to help lift our chins off the floor when next weekend arrives only to find the incoming transfer situation remains very much as is.
Report Abuse
13/07/2007 21:08:00

What do you know that we dont Christo. Sounds like an interesting story you have in your mind there. Fill us in.
Report Abuse
28/09/2007 12:59:00


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