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'If It's Football, It's Vital'

A Primate of Fear

Discrimination is abhorrent in any form. I would never judge a person purely on their looks; I’ve copped off with many a minger.

If a person is victimised on the grounds of race, sexual orientation or religious beliefs, condemnation is rightfully swift; yet poking fun at people with amusingly coloured hair appears to be tolerated.

I have a dream that one day all gingers will be free from oppression. When Paul Scholes and Steve Sidwell shake hands at Old Trafford, my utopian vision will be one step closer to becoming a reality.

The result of the match is insignificant; it’s all about acceptance for our sun-fearing brothers. I will be getting on Manchester United to beat Reading at 1/3, but I’ll be going in gingerly.

Thierry Henry could learn a lot from Ronaldo. Where the skinny winger will tumble with grace and elegance at the mere hint of a challenge, the Frenchman attempts the far more difficult flailing-armed ‘bag of potatoes’ manoeuvre, without an opponent in a 45 yard radius. It’s back to the training ground for the great man. I’m head over heels about an Arsenal win over Blackburn at 4/9.

Jonathan Woodgate has suffered yet another injury. The jinxed defender has been sidelined with a tight hamstring; he probably picked it up in Scotland. Middlesbrough receive the nod at home to West Brom at a rickety 4/5.

My cash was also down on the Boro in midweek. When Yakubu fluffed that penalty, I actually screamed like the wife when she gave birth to Goliath. The evil one still has unhappy memories of that day; he was delivered during opening hours. The Yak remains a quality animal, he’ll score the first goal at 9/2.

Little Goliath is definitely his mother’s son. He gave me two choices; I could either buy him a pet monkey, or he’d tell his mom about my special ‘friendship’ with her sister. ‘Bubbles’ has set me back a small fortune. I intend to recoup a portion by backing Chelsea at 1/7 to see off Norwich.

For some reason, Bubbles goes absolutely ballistic if Goliath watches Soccer AM. Last Saturday, I had to spank him three times while Helen Chamberlain was on screen. Norwich could well be on the end of a spanking at the Bridge; the champions can net four or more goals at 15/8.

You have to like Ian Holloway. The jovial nutcase once compared a scrappy win to pulling an ugly bird; and was kind enough not to mention the wife by name. Derby will end Plymouth’s run at 8/5.

Watford are definitely improving, but I can’t fancy them at ‘odds on’ against a competent Ipswich. Like David Cameron in college, I’m going to get stuck into the draw at 5/2.

Tottenham are like the wife’s sister on a Wednesday afternoon, they’re in the middle of a sticky patch. The 17/10 for a Fulham win over Spurs stands out like Martin Jol’s lower jaw.

Most people have been involved in the odd incident that they regret; I should never have raised my hands to that monkey. Joey Barton’s list of previous includes a holiday rumble, a far from enchanting full moon and a controversial take on cigar disposal. Preston are smoking in the Championship; they can extinguish Manchester City’s FA cup dream at 17/10.

Barton allegedly waved his middle finger in the direction of Pompey fans last week, presumably answering the ‘How many brothers have you got in prison’ question. I fancy Preston to sneak this 1-0; I’m all over the 7/1 like a Manchester City player on Pedro Mendes.

Using only the weekend accer as a character guide, a representative of PETA has cleared me of any wrongdoing in regard to my monkey training. I’d like to thank the former Celtic man for this generous gesture. Chelsea, Middlesbrough, Preston and Fulham are the selections, the payout is a beastly 11/1.

Weekend Betting:

Arsenal v Blackburn Saturday 17th February 12:30
Live on BBC One

Arsenal 4/9
Draw 11/4
Blackburn 13/2

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Blackburn to have a player sent off 5/1

Chelsea v Norwich Saturday 17th February 15:00

Chelsea 1/7
Draw 13/2
Norwich 16/1

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 11/4

Middlesbrough v West Brom
Saturday 17th February 15:00

Middlesbrough 4/5
Draw 12/5
West Brom 4/1

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:
Middlesbrough to score three or more goals 10/3

Plymouth v Derby Saturday 17th February 15:00

Plymouth 17/10
Draw 9/4
Derby 8/5

Get on: Derby

Match Special:
Derby to win 1-0 7/1

Watford v Ipswich Saturday 17th February 15:00

Watford 8/11
Draw 5/2
Ipswich 4/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the match 10/1


Man Utd v Reading Saturday 17th February 17:15
Live on BBC One

Man Utd 1/3
Draw 9/2
Reading 11/1

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Larsson to score two or more goals 7/2

Preston v Man City Sunday 18th February 13:10
Live on BBC One

Preston 17/10
Draw 9/4
Man City 13/8

Get on: Preston

Match Special:
Nugent to score the only goal of the game 33/1

Fulham v Tottenham
Sunday 18th February 16:00
Live on Sky

Fulham 17/10
Draw 9/4
Tottenham 17/10

Get on: Fulham

Match Special:
Papa Bouba Diop to score with a header 12/1

By Gerry McDonnell




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The Journalist

Writer: J P Fear Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday February 15 2007

Time: 11:01AM

Your Comments

to well written not to use but how very depressing not to see us in the list of fixtures. Hate the FA cup when Villa aren't in it, not as if we don't know the 3 odd teams who will win it anyway!
The Fear
I agree, doesn't seem so long ago that our 7 wins was still the record, now I think 2 or 3 clubs have passed us. About time we won it again methinks!
jonah
It's not good, but we could have done with some more luck with the draws, Spurs always seem to get lucky. Watching the Fresh air Squanderers last night - thier ground was half empty, if Villa were playing last night in a similar stage of the cup , it would have been rammed. We really are sleeping giants, but its looking like we aren't going to get into Europe, if we get unlucky again in the cup draws next year.....
tarzan
Well we did have two cup games this season to allow us to concentrate on the league :-p
col8
I've just done the premiership calculator on the BBC web site (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/predictor/default.stm) and we finish 12th on 46 points!
tarzan
Just cant get into the F.A. Cup action following our early demise, but we should all be used to that by now. Fancy West Brom to get at least a draw up at Middlesbrough though to keep the West Midlands flag flying.
glensider
 

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