Writer: Inspired By Beefmeister
Date:Tuesday January 6 2009
Villa Players Half Term Reports Part One
Forum member Beefy started a thread for all the half time reports for the Villa players:
Half term is now upon us, so time we sent out the dreaded reports to the parents of the players and staff...
Dear Mr and Mrs Barry,
Your son was of great concern to us at the start of the term following his recent show of petulance, but I'm pleased to say he has now settled down and is once more proving to be one of the most intelligent and calming players in the division. He is an influence on his fellow, less experienced, team mates and we at Aston Villa see no gain on either side from a move elsewhere.
However, he has proved himself to be easily distracted so I urge you to remove all televisions and radios from your house, refuse to buy him any newspapers and deny him access to the internet in his bedroom during the coming five weeks.
8/10 Following a shaky start is once more the vital cog in the wheel. Well done, you must be very proud.
Dear Mr and Mrs Carew,
John continues to frustrate all at the club. Throughout his career he has proved himself to be a highly talented individual who could be of great importance to the team but his apparent lack of motivation and self belief continue to hold him back.
Furthermore, we have recently become concerned at his continued absenteeism and whilst we appreciate he may have been carrying an 'injury' of sorts we now fear there is more to it than that. I urge you to sit down with John at the earliest opportunity to try and instill some discipline into him as his immediate future at the club may be in serious jeopardy.
3/10 All too brief flashes of brilliance.
Dear Mr and Mrs Petrov,
First of all may I take this opportunity to express how happy all of us are at Aston Villa that you have now got your son back following his 18 month disappearance.
Stilyan has adopted well to his new role and continues to flourish as each game passes, without ever quite achieving the lofty heights like he did at his previous club.
8.5/10 Most improved player award - and a worthy winner too.
Dear Mr and Mrs Hare,
Please feed him, and he will score.
Dear Mr & Mrs Shorey
We offer our deepest condolences for your recent tragic loss. If there is an afterlife, we may all hope that your son will be miraculously sighted next summer wearing a Nottingham Forest shirt.
Dear Mr & Mrs Young
Your Son Ashley has turned out to be an excellent addition to the School. His 11+ Exam was passed with Flying Colours. I would like to take this opportunity to offer a place to his younger brother because if he is half as good as Ashley he would be a worthy pupil.
P.S Were not allowing him to leave this school on the grounds that his development will be affected
Mr and Mrs Reo Coker
Nigel spends a great deal of time and effort trying to get his satchel back off the bigger boys. The way he chases them and wrestles for it is very commendable indeed. However when he has it to himself, he seems to switch off, which continues to frustrate the class.
Yesterday I moved him - as he wasn't getting on very well - and he seemed to do much better next to the window. Someone even said he was top of the class. Maybe will keep him there and see how he gets along. But we must remember it's Luke's chair really.
Dear Mr and Mrs Laursen
Martin is top pupil at the school recognised by his head-boy status and continues to excel in every department of the pitch. Not one to grab the limelight, Martin sets an excellent example to the other pupils whilst forming a close bond with the teachers. Martin's time at the school is fast approaching but he will be recognised as one the greatest defenders to have worn the claret and blue. When Martin is sick from school, it is only noticeable once other pupils are drafted into lessons to make the numbers up which they tend to suffer from lapses in concentrate during critical parts of the lesson.
It is a privilege to have taught Martin and hopefully one day he will return as head master.
Dear Mr & Mrs Milner,
James finally joined in the summer following his Peruvian exchange a few years back. He is a good lad, who is never late and turns up to lessons even though he has been poorly on a couple of occasions. During his PE classes I do not think there are many others that run around much more than him.
However James is a bit of a wallflower when compared to the other more flamboyant students and there are times where you feel he could take his lessons by the scruff of the neck a bit more to make a difference. He is still young and learning, but if he continues this sort of progress and perhaps comes out of his shell a bit more he could be the star pupil for years to come.
7/10 - A worthy and honest pupil, with room for improvement encourage him and he will become an excellent student.
Has your son considered a career in metalwork?
Dear Mr & Mrs Agbonlahor
Gabby has come on leaps and bounds this year. Whilst always first to finish his homework, the quality wasn't always up to standard. We are now pleased to report that he has managed to maintain the speed, but at the same time improve the accuracy of his work. He still needs to keep working hard, particularly on his Oral tests. He has shown such improvement, we have high hopes that he will soon get a permanent place at the University of England, with a gap year in South Africa in 2010.
In addition, his double act with Master Young in the Christmas Show was widely acclaimed as the funniest thing seen in years. Thank God someone had a camera to record it forever.
Date:Tuesday January 6 2009
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