Writer: Moz Villan
Date:Wednesday July 9 2008
Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush: Aston Villa insider news
Undercover reporter Avi Nalaf unzips his cunning goalpost disguise to bring us the latest insider gossip from Bodymoor Heath.
With the Barry saga all but wrapped up, I’ve been quietly hiding behind Gareth’s ego to find out what he’s been doing with all his spare time and money. Fiddling with his balls and learning Scouse seem to have occupied most of his time (he’s nailed the phrase “dey doo doh don’t dey doh”, and can say it while untangling his testes without even grimacing).
However, I struck gold yesterday when his bezzie mate Steven came round, and they skipped off to go and frolic through a grassy meadow while singing “You’ll never wa*k alone” (I didn’t quite catch the lyrics). Foolishly, Bazza left his mansion’s Genital Husbandry Suite unlocked, and I was able to sneak in and grab a few choice extracts from his diary, which we exclusively reveal here:
“Went to travel agents. Told them, off the record, that I wanna go to Spain. Wanted to go for ages. Now feels like the right time…”
“… Still heard nothing. English tourist board “too busy” to offer me incentive to stay. Shocking. I have still not been led by the hand onto a plane bound for Spain and had my pockets stuffed with free Euros. That’s well disrespectful. England is rubbish…”
“…WTF???! Found out that I actually have to explicitly tell the travel agents to book the holiday – AND PAY FOR IT MYSELF – in order to go to Spain. No discount; no £3m spending money. Nothing. Was told that if I want to go, I have to actually ASK for it, AND it will hit me in the pocket. It’s a scandal. I’ll just wait for the Spanish government to import me…”
“…Bored. Nothing to do except practise talking like Paul O’Grady and play with my balls. Hope I get exported soon ‘cos everyone in England hates me now. It’s not fair.”
How scandalous. My heart goes out to Gareth in this, his time of greed. Sorry, need.
Now for some juicy transfer gossip. We’ve all heard the rumours about Sidwell, Bentley and Robinson. But two potentially explosive new signings have gone unreported by the press.
The little-known Rottweiler brothers were taken on trial by the club on Monday. “Who?” I hear you ask. Well, they hail (heil?) from Germany and play in the goalkeeper and right-back positions – two positions we badly need to fill. My sources tell me that they were aggressive, combative and liable to discharge faeces at any given time, and were so imposing in training that the dinner lady made the rest of the squad go back to their classrooms until it was all over (although my sources may have got them confused with Joey Barton. I will check immediately).
Meanwhile, Martin O’Neill’s continuing naivety in the transfer market may lead to him losing out on one of his big summer targets… because he foolishly recommended the player to another club! Liverpool are now hot favourites to sign a certain out-of-favour Spurs striker, formerly a Charlton goal-machine. Apparently, when Rafa Benitez offered £12m for Gareth Barry, O’Neill thoughtfully suggested that, as an alternative, he should “get Bent”. More on this as it develops.
Stay tuned for the next gossip column, when Wayne Routledge will show us how you can make a handy chocolate teapot for just one million pounds, and I’ll be having an unsettling webcam chat with Ashley Young.
Date:Wednesday July 9 2008
Aston Villa - On This Day - 30/03 A Look Back (Monday March 30 2015)
Safety, Then Security - Sherwood Has To Plan Ahead (Saturday March 28 2015)
Lambert Left Villa Healthy (Saturday March 28 2015)
Something For The Weekend (488) (Friday March 27 2015)
Vital Villa Player Of The Month For March - Vote (Friday March 27 2015)
The Vital Villa Man Of The Match v Swansea (Late!) (Friday March 27 2015)
The Aston Villa Injury Table Updated (Friday March 27 2015)
Too High A Price For Keeping The British End Up? (Friday March 27 2015)
Burke Heads To Notts County (Thursday March 26 2015)
Kinsella Heads To Luton Town (Thursday March 26 2015)
|1.||Pride of Lions||1023|
|10.||Villan Of The North||198|
|Hull City||2||-||0||Aston Villa|
|15. Hull City||30||6||10||14||-12||28|
|16. Aston Villa||30||7||7||16||-20||28|
|Palace Linked With Wolves Striker
» Crystal Palace : 30/03/2015 15:09:00
|One More Year?
» Crystal Palace : 30/03/2015 14:57:00
|Cech Leaves Czech Camp
» Chelsea : 30/03/2015 14:47:00
|Hammers Need to Move Quick If
» West Ham : 30/03/2015 14:32:01
|Looking To Live The Dream?
» Arsenal : 30/03/2015 14:29:01