UK time is: 20:38:46
Vital Login
Social Login

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Moz Villa's Hush Hush - Aston Villa Insider News!

Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush: Aston Villa insider news

Undercover reporter Avi Nalaf unzips his cunning goalpost disguise to bring us the latest insider gossip from Bodymoor Heath.

With the Barry saga all but wrapped up, I’ve been quietly hiding behind Gareth’s ego to find out what he’s been doing with all his spare time and money. Fiddling with his balls and learning Scouse seem to have occupied most of his time (he’s nailed the phrase “dey doo doh don’t dey doh”, and can say it while untangling his testes without even grimacing).

However, I struck gold yesterday when his bezzie mate Steven came round, and they skipped off to go and frolic through a grassy meadow while singing “You’ll never wa*k alone” (I didn’t quite catch the lyrics). Foolishly, Bazza left his mansion’s Genital Husbandry Suite unlocked, and I was able to sneak in and grab a few choice extracts from his diary, which we exclusively reveal here:

“Went to travel agents. Told them, off the record, that I wanna go to Spain. Wanted to go for ages. Now feels like the right time…”

“… Still heard nothing. English tourist board “too busy” to offer me incentive to stay. Shocking. I have still not been led by the hand onto a plane bound for Spain and had my pockets stuffed with free Euros. That’s well disrespectful. England is rubbish…”

“…WTF???! Found out that I actually have to explicitly tell the travel agents to book the holiday – AND PAY FOR IT MYSELF – in order to go to Spain. No discount; no 3m spending money. Nothing. Was told that if I want to go, I have to actually ASK for it, AND it will hit me in the pocket. It’s a scandal. I’ll just wait for the Spanish government to import me…”

“…Bored. Nothing to do except practise talking like Paul O’Grady and play with my balls. Hope I get exported soon ‘cos everyone in England hates me now. It’s not fair.”

How scandalous. My heart goes out to Gareth in this, his time of greed. Sorry, need.

Now for some juicy transfer gossip. We’ve all heard the rumours about Sidwell, Bentley and Robinson. But two potentially explosive new signings have gone unreported by the press.

The little-known Rottweiler brothers were taken on trial by the club on Monday. “Who?” I hear you ask. Well, they hail (heil?) from Germany and play in the goalkeeper and right-back positions – two positions we badly need to fill. My sources tell me that they were aggressive, combative and liable to discharge faeces at any given time, and were so imposing in training that the dinner lady made the rest of the squad go back to their classrooms until it was all over (although my sources may have got them confused with Joey Barton. I will check immediately).

Meanwhile, Martin O’Neill’s continuing naivety in the transfer market may lead to him losing out on one of his big summer targets… because he foolishly recommended the player to another club! Liverpool are now hot favourites to sign a certain out-of-favour Spurs striker, formerly a Charlton goal-machine. Apparently, when Rafa Benitez offered 12m for Gareth Barry, O’Neill thoughtfully suggested that, as an alternative, he should “get Bent”. More on this as it develops.

Stay tuned for the next gossip column, when Wayne Routledge will show us how you can make a handy chocolate teapot for just one million pounds, and I’ll be having an unsettling webcam chat with Ashley Young.




Use your social login to comment on front page articles. Login using you Facebook, Twitter, Google or LinkedIn accounts and have your say!



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Moz Villan Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Wednesday July 9 2008

Time: 4:10PM

Your Comments

Brilliant pmsl!!
Jon.H
lol@ Moz like it !
scoops
Lol, great read
notthedougellisstand
Exciting, these 2 new germans sound like the dogs ********* ;)
GCR_villlan
Magnificent post!!!!
erv2005
You trying to be the new Eircol MozVillan. Good article, well written. Puts these 'in the know' guys into perspective.
glensider
this is actually quite funny!
EZLFC
NICE ARTICLE THERE!
Gruck
Mozvillan, Hats off my friend. That's the funniest thing i've read in ages!!! BRILLIANT!!!!
Holte End Hero
 

Have Your Say

Log in...
with your social network     OR     with your Vital account

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Lambert's Confidence In Clark & Okore (Thursday November 27 2014)

Graham Does Head To Wolves (Thursday November 27 2014)

Lambert, Lambert, Give Us A Wave!? (Thursday November 27 2014)

U21s - Wolves 0-1 Villa (Wednesday November 26 2014)

Villa Fan - Rant Mode On... (Tuesday November 25 2014)

AVFC: Relegation Super Storm? (Tuesday November 25 2014)

Lambert On Big Pluses Of Saints Draw (Tuesday November 25 2014)

Archived Aston Villa Articles

List All Vital Villa Articles
Have your say
Click here to suggest an article
Click here to suggest a poll

Vital Members League (view all)

1. Pride of Lions 909
2. ClivetheVillan 858
3. The Fear 693
4. kefkat 306
5. Freeman14 278
6. sirdennis 218
7. DeanoVilla 193
8. Villan57 167
9. Clubpaver 120
10. gator 116

League Results (view all)

League Table (view table)

Team P W D L GD Pts
13. WBA 12 3 4 5 -4 13
14. Sunderland 12 2 7 3 -7 13
15. Crystal Palace 12 3 3 6 -4 12
16. Aston Villa 12 3 3 6 -11 12
17. Hull City 12 2 5 5 -3 11
18. Leicester City 12 2 4 6 -7 10
19. Burnley 12 2 4 6 -12 10

Breaking League News

Swansea Team A vs Team B: Who Would Win!?
Swansea : 27/11/2014 20:34:00
Monk Hopes 'Versatility' Will Help Overcome Palace
Swansea : 27/11/2014 20:19:00
Lambert's Confidence In Clark & Okore
Aston Villa : 27/11/2014 20:19:00
Monk Calls For Atmosphere Like Arsenal Game
Swansea : 27/11/2014 20:13:00
Graham Does Head To Wolves
Aston Villa : 27/11/2014 20:09:00

Current Site Poll (view all polls)

Villa v Burnley (away) will:
Suggested By:  Mystic Mug
Win - phew! 32%
Lose - gulp! 49%
Draw - meh! 19%