Vital Football

Latest Aston Villa News

Footy Watch Bingo!

Footy Watch Bingo!

FootyWatch Bingo: helping the transfer window go down smooth

Hello there, I'm (not) Bill Oddie. Having grown tired of whispering at empty holes in the ground on SpringWatch, I've decided to down a bottle of Jack Daniels, take a load of cheap speed mixed with ketamine and embark on FootyWatch, my surreal, hallucination-inspired pre-cognitive guide to the next eventful few months in football.

In fact, it's just like last year's Transfer Window Bingo, but with a weirder intro. Simply award yourself six-eights of a point whenever you spot any of the following events occur during the transfer window or the opening months of next season. The first contestant to claim a 'full house' will be warmly congratulated.

Is there a better way to ease the pain of non-Euro qualification, spiralling debt, impending bankruptcy, fuel crises, Boris Johnson and Britain's Got Talent? Well, Jack Daniels, speed and ketamine works quite well for me, but anyway...

Eyes down!

***************

Daniel Levy is furious that Spurs' first game of the season fails to yield the 9 points to which they are celestially entitled. Juande Ramos is sacked. Spurs hire a top replacement manager, whilst lining up the next two replacements to save time later.

Birmingham City fans start a religion claiming that 'the world ended at the final whistle of the Villa game at St Andrew's in 2002; yes it did: it did, it did, it did. Nothing has happened since then. Lalalalalaaaaa I'm not listening.'

John Terry spends the summer arguing with a pitch in Moscow.

Steven Gerrard assembles the world's press with a saintly wave of his hand, and issues the following diplomatic statement: 'By the power invested in me as a sporting deity, I hereby grant Gareth Barry permission to join us here in Footballing Valhalla, Liverpool FC. His days of struggling through the ghastly life of a mere mortal, playing alongside non-overpriced, non-Spanish non-primadonnas are over. Come, Gareth, join us and taste the sweet nectar of Big Four divinity.'

Spurs fans are shocked that they have failed to sew-up the Premiership title by mid-September. Ramos' replacement is replaced, then fired, then fired again.

Man City sell all their players and replace them with an elite Thai Death Squad. Despite losing every game, each of their opponents sportingly agrees to let them have the points after a post-match 'discussion', and they sew up the title by the end of October.

Liverpool's co-owners are photographed pulling each other's hair, accusing each other of having 'started it', and threatening to tell on each other to Rick Parry. Rick bangs their heads together and sends them off to bed without any ice-cream.

Birmingham City are [promoted to/relegated from] the Premiership (delete as appropriate according to whatever year it is. I've lost interest).

No major football tournaments occur, particularly ones involving dagos, krauts and frogs, or three-quarters of the Premiership. All appearances to the contrary are not true. Lalalalaaaaaaa we're not listening.

The new, new Spurs manager lasts five days, with an unacceptable record of 0 points from as many games. His final duty as Spurs boss is to spit-polish his replacement's Gucci loafers in front of a packed-half-full White Hart Lane.

The tug-of-war for Gareth Barry becomes so vicious that he splits down the middle. We sell his right half to Liverpool in exchange for Scott Carson, John Arne Riise and Peter Crouch, and are left feeling a bit short-changed.

In a fit of indignation at a trophyless season, Roman Abramovich buys all of the footballs. All other matches have to wait until Chelsea are finished.

Following the theories that all odd-numbered Star Trek films are shit and that It's Lucky For Spurs When the Year Ends In One, it is revealed that you can tell whether it's an even- or odd-numbered year by whether Birmingham City are occupying a low position in the Premiership or a high one in the Championship.

Amid talk of introducing limits on foreign players, Arsene Wenger considers re-nationalising his squad to become English. He changes his mind and moves North London to France instead.

Something is amiss with the universe, as Tottenham Hotspur's widely-acknowledged divine right to win everything ever and be the biggest, bestest football team in the world fails to materialise for the 126th year in a row, despite them spazzing £34 billion on the entire squads of Brazil, Italy and Argentina.

Sir Alex Ferguson spends a fulfilling, self-congratulatory summer joyously filling the Champions League trophy with his own semen.

Anfield erupts into Civil War, while the gravity of the egotism and self-aggrandisement at the club collapses in on itself to create a quantum singularity. The losing faction falls through it, travels back through time and becomes Everton. Rafa Benitez gets caught in its wake and becomes Tom Jones in a Fat Parallel Universe.

The Moscow pitch wins the argument. John Terry cries like a big girl.

***************

Don't forget to let us know how you get on. And feel free to add your own possible transfer window events and favourite drink-drug cocktails in the electronic space below. Best of luck!

Love,
(Not) Bill.



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Moz Villan
Date:Tuesday June 3 2008
Time: 10:29AM

Comments

0
total madness, love it!
The Fear
03/06/2008 13:56:00
0
total madness, love it!
The Fear
03/06/2008 13:56:00
0
I think it was the ketamine that tipped you over the edge mate :-)
merlin
03/06/2008 20:06:00
0
I think it was the ketamine that tipped you over the edge mate :-)
merlin
03/06/2008 20:06:00
0
You're a natural MozVillan - a great read. Could do without the visions of SAF though, that you've planted in my head.
glensider
05/06/2008 01:26:00
0
You're a natural MozVillan - a great read. Could do without the visions of SAF though, that you've planted in my head.
glensider
05/06/2008 01:26:00
Page 1/1
  1. 1

Login to post a comment

Best of Vital Network

Vital F1 - Blog: Sochi Preview

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Organ Transplant Gets Villa Fan Back Down To Villa Park

The first thing Daniel did when he felt strong enough after the transplant operation was head to Villa Park....

Thug Paul Robinson Charged For Violent Conduct

If we did this, we'd be charged by the police, kicking and hitting out at someone. Not sure why they are allowed to do it in the name of sport?

Fans Do Villa Proud Despite Disappointing Season

By the time the curtain on the Championship campaign of 2016/17 comes down, almost 750,000 Aston Villa fans will have been in B6 for matches following relegation.

Four Generations Of Villa Fans Attending From France

DJFRRANCE attending the Villa v Blues with four generations including passing on this wonderful heritage to his grandson.

Archived Vital Villa Articles

Vital Villa articles from

Site Journalists

J P Fear
Editor email
Profile
Mike Field
Editor email
Profile
Steve Wade
no email
Profile
Villa_Grizzly
no email
Profile
Turkish Penguin
no email
Profile
Glensider
no email
Profile
Chris Heath
no email
Profile
M Calucar
no email
Profile
JuanPablo Angel
no email
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

Birmingham MotM
Suggested By:
Johnstone5%
Hutton26%
Chester3%
Baker19%
Taylor4%
Lansbury1%
Jedinak6%
Bacuna0%
Adomah0%
Grealish0%
Hogan0%
Sub-Agbonlahor33%
Sub-Gardner2%
Sub-Hourihane1%
ScoopDragon Publishing Entire League Network of Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
P Brighton 44 28 8 8 92 35
P Newcastle 44 27 7 10 88 40
3 Huddersfield 44 25 6 13 81 3
4 Reading 44 24 7 13 79 1
5 Sheff Wed 44 23 9 12 78 15
6 Fulham 44 21 13 10 76 27
7 Leeds Utd 44 22 7 15 73 14
8 Norwich 44 19 9 16 66 12
9 Brentford 44 18 9 17 63 12
10 Derby County 44 17 12 15 63 2
11 Preston 44 16 13 15 61 2
12 Aston Villa 44 16 13 15 61 0
13 Cardiff 44 16 11 17 59 -2
14 Barnsley 44 15 12 17 57 0
15 Wolves 44 15 10 19 55 -3
16 Ipswich 44 13 16 15 55 -6
17 Bristol City 44 14 9 21 51 -6
18 Burton 44 13 12 19 51 -12
19 Q.P.R. 44 14 8 22 50 -12
20 Forest 44 13 9 22 48 -11
21 Birmingham 44 11 14 19 47 -22
22 Blackburn 44 10 15 19 45 -15
23 Wigan 44 10 11 23 41 -16
R Rotherham 44 5 6 33 21 -58
The Vital Football Members League
Latest F1 News
Honda to hand McLaren duo more reliable engine?
Latest Vital Boxing News
Is Tyson Fury on the way back?
Vital Football Comment

Recent Aston Villa Results (view all)

Aston Villa Fixtures (view all)

Apr 29 2017 3:00PM : Blackburn Rovers (a)
Sky Bet Championship
May 7 2017 12:00PM : Brighton & Hove Albion (H)
Sky Bet Championship

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.JuanPabloAngel352
2.Pride of Lions341
3.sirdennis258
4.The Fear234
5.Silhillvilla196
6.Melon Donkey167
7.HeathfieldRoad1874160
8.kefkat147
9.Sasquatch136
10.BBJ100
Write for Vital Football