Vital Football

Latest Aston Villa News

Moz Exclusive 'Insider' (cough) News From Villa

Moz Exclusive 'Insider' (cough) News From Villa

EXCLUSIVE insider news from Villa Park

Having spent the entire season hiding unnoticed in Stiliyan Petrov's bouffant hairdo, our intrepid undercover reporter Avi Nalaf uncovers all the latest idle gossip and unsubstantiated piffle coming out of Villa Park.

As we all know, the big Villa story this summer will centre on Gareth Barry, and we will be keeping a close eye on his movements to bring you all the latest scoops. The latest of his movements that I scooped was greenish-brown and of a primarily liquid consistency, suggesting a nervous and apprehensive disposition that I could only attribute to his indecision about the future.

But eagle-eyed fans watching the players warm up against West Ham will have noticed that he laced up his boots in a manner that spelt out the words 'there's no place like the Bullring' in Spanish Braille, and that he spat out a wad of phlegm that looked a bit like a Liverpudlian being enthusiastically bummed by a Lion chasing a star. Looks like Captain Schismatic is staying after all!

This, of course, means a continuation of the well-documented war of words between Martin O'Neill and Rafa Benitez's evil twin (no-one has seen Rafa since last summer when he was replaced by a sinister bearded doppleganger). It all started when the lesser-known of the Benitez twins was spotted at the sidelines at Villa Park, cocking an eyebrow at Gareth Barry whilst enticingly waving a wad of cash, a high-class prostitute and a comfortable-looking bench in his direction. When he followed this up by faxing his arse to O'Neill, the Irishman's ire was fully raised. Expect this one to run all summer.

We can exclusively reveal that this season has seen more unsung, behind-the-scenes innovation from our colonial benefactors. In early February, the club set up a dynamic new department to count our players, and it emerged that we didn't have as many as previously thought – a mistake attributed to pacy players like Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor running around the back of the team photo while the shutters were open in order to appear twice. Compounding the problem was John Carew's insistence that he counts as three. Who'd have thought it?

Following this, the new department turned to more specific matters in terms of squad requirements by sending scouts to other premiership matches in the hope of learning some new tricks. This, it turns out, was a masterstroke.

Having familiarised themselves with the position of 'left-back', the scouts were astonished when the teams stopped after 45 minutes, went away, and came back again on opposite sides of the pitch, revealing the secretive existence of the 'right-back' position. Apparently, this is just like a 'left-back', but on the opposite side; a position previously unseen by the scouts because they were too far away. It is a pretty safe bet that Villa will be adding one of these 'right-backs' to the squad this summer to keep us one step ahead of our rivals. You heard it here first.

Finally, some breaking news: this year's transfer window has been experiencing some teething problems since it upgraded to Transfer Windows Vista. As soon as they get the IT man in to repair it, we'll let you know.

Stay tuned for more insider exclusives throughout the summer.

Win FREE pizza with Vital Football!
Select your team and get 50% off if they score twice.
www.papajohns.co.uk/football



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Moz Villan
Date:Thursday May 15 2008
Time: 12:20PM

Comments

0
Quality stuff. :-)
Little Dutch
15/05/2008 12:39:00
0
Genius!
Saurat
15/05/2008 12:52:00
0
I feel more informed now, thanks!!
young_jonah
15/05/2008 12:54:00
0
So is braille available in different languages!?! I always presumed it was an international language!!!!
Adam Deuce
15/05/2008 13:11:00
0
And from a scout's stationary position he saw as far as a left back in the first half and somehow in the second half he managed to see a right back just because the teams swapped sides. Hmm
AstonMartinOneill
15/05/2008 13:23:00
0
Is this Mozman from another forum, if so you sir are a nutcase. Although, this:

"We can exclusively reveal that this season has seen more unsung, behind-the-scenes innovation from our colonial benefactors. In early February, the club set up a dynamic new department to count our players, and it emerged that we didn't have as many as previously thought – a mistake attributed to pacy players like Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor running around the back of the team photo while the shutters were open in order to appear twice. Compounding the problem was John Carew's insistence that he counts as three. Who'd have thought it?"

Amused me
Carlosio
15/05/2008 13:53:00
0
Yes, its all true. Braille is an international language, scouts can only see one team's right back at any given time, GB's mucus looks like gay bestial porn and the transfer window has crashed and needs to be switched off and back on again. All the wise words of intrepid reporter Avi Nalaf. Say it with me. After three. One, two, three: "avinalaf".
MozVillan
15/05/2008 14:30:00
0
Best article this year!!
Villan444
15/05/2008 18:29:00
0
I enjoyed that. Perhaps you could do the "something for the weekend" article occasionally.
Villan Of The North
15/05/2008 19:06:00
0
Probably more reliable than the various tabloids out there. I shall cancel with immediate effect my subscription to The Sun, and rely on MozVillan to keep me fully abreast of rumours and happenings throughout the summer months.
glensider
16/05/2008 02:26:00
Page 1/1
  1. 1

Login to post a comment

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Who Will Aston Villa Face In 2016/17 (3/5/16)

With less than a handful of games remaining in the 2015/16 campaign, some promotions and relegations in the football pyramid are already known.

Villa To Break The Bank For McCormack?

It's being reported that Aston Villa are hugely interested in Fulham goal machine Ross McCormack.

Pearson In Limbo With Takeover

It was being being reported over the weekend that former Leicester City manager Nigel Pearson was now the favourite to take the Villa Park hotseat in the Championship next season.

Siegrist Takes Ainsworth Praise

Young goalkeeper Benjamin Siegrist had slipped off the radar lately.

Archived Vital Villa Articles

Vital Villa articles from

Site Journalists

J P Fear
Editor email
Profile
Mike Field
Editor email
Profile
Steve Wade
no email
Profile
Villa_Grizzly
no email
Profile
Turkish Penguin
no email
Profile
Glensider
no email
Profile
Chris Heath
no email
Profile
M Calucar
no email
Profile
JuanPablo Angel
no email
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

Watford MotM
Suggested By: Site Staff
Bunn3%
Clark50%
Lescott1%
Toner3%
Hutton2%
Westwood13%
Gana1%
Bacuna2%
Cissokho1%
Ayew18%
Gestede3%
Sub - Sanchez0%
Sub - Sinclair3%
ScoopDragon Premier League Network Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
C Leicester City 36 22 11 3 77 30
2 Spurs 36 19 13 4 70 39
3 Arsenal 36 19 10 7 67 25
4 Man City 36 19 7 10 64 30
5 Man Utd 35 17 9 9 60 12
6 West Ham 35 15 14 6 59 17
7 Southampton 36 16 9 11 57 14
8 Liverpool 35 15 10 10 55 11
9 Chelsea 35 12 12 11 48 7
10 Stoke 36 13 9 14 48 -14
11 Everton 35 10 14 11 44 6
12 Watford 35 12 8 15 44 -6
13 Swansea 36 11 10 15 43 -13
14 WBA 36 10 11 15 41 -14
15 AFC Bournemouth 36 11 8 17 41 -20
16 Crystal Palace 36 10 9 17 39 -10
17 Newcastle 36 8 9 19 33 -25
18 Sunderland 35 7 11 17 32 -18
19 Norwich 35 8 7 20 31 -26
R Aston Villa 36 3 7 26 16 -45
The Vital Football Members League
Latest F1 News
The messiest start of Kvyat's career
Latest Vital Boxing News
Hughie Fury Wins After Cut Stops Fight
Vital Football Comment

Recent Aston Villa Results (view all)

Aston Villa Fixtures (view all)

May 7 2016 3:00PM : Newcastle United (H)
Barclays Premier League
May 15 2016 3:00PM : Arsenal (a)
Barclays Premier League

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.Pride of Lions88
2.kefkat48
3.The Fear35
4.sirdennis24
5.Silhillvilla20
6.DeanoVilla14
7.col812
8.LORD RON SAUNDERS11
9.Thomas Holte11
10.villasince6711
Write for Vital Football