UK time is: 22:37:25
Vital Login
Social Login

Choose your club

Other Sites

Network Navigation

Vital Partners

'If It's Football, It's Vital'

Moz Exclusive 'Insider' (cough) News From Villa

EXCLUSIVE insider news from Villa Park

Having spent the entire season hiding unnoticed in Stiliyan Petrov's bouffant hairdo, our intrepid undercover reporter Avi Nalaf uncovers all the latest idle gossip and unsubstantiated piffle coming out of Villa Park.

As we all know, the big Villa story this summer will centre on Gareth Barry, and we will be keeping a close eye on his movements to bring you all the latest scoops. The latest of his movements that I scooped was greenish-brown and of a primarily liquid consistency, suggesting a nervous and apprehensive disposition that I could only attribute to his indecision about the future.

But eagle-eyed fans watching the players warm up against West Ham will have noticed that he laced up his boots in a manner that spelt out the words 'there's no place like the Bullring' in Spanish Braille, and that he spat out a wad of phlegm that looked a bit like a Liverpudlian being enthusiastically bummed by a Lion chasing a star. Looks like Captain Schismatic is staying after all!

This, of course, means a continuation of the well-documented war of words between Martin O'Neill and Rafa Benitez's evil twin (no-one has seen Rafa since last summer when he was replaced by a sinister bearded doppleganger). It all started when the lesser-known of the Benitez twins was spotted at the sidelines at Villa Park, cocking an eyebrow at Gareth Barry whilst enticingly waving a wad of cash, a high-class prostitute and a comfortable-looking bench in his direction. When he followed this up by faxing his arse to O'Neill, the Irishman's ire was fully raised. Expect this one to run all summer.

We can exclusively reveal that this season has seen more unsung, behind-the-scenes innovation from our colonial benefactors. In early February, the club set up a dynamic new department to count our players, and it emerged that we didn't have as many as previously thought – a mistake attributed to pacy players like Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor running around the back of the team photo while the shutters were open in order to appear twice. Compounding the problem was John Carew's insistence that he counts as three. Who'd have thought it?

Following this, the new department turned to more specific matters in terms of squad requirements by sending scouts to other premiership matches in the hope of learning some new tricks. This, it turns out, was a masterstroke.

Having familiarised themselves with the position of 'left-back', the scouts were astonished when the teams stopped after 45 minutes, went away, and came back again on opposite sides of the pitch, revealing the secretive existence of the 'right-back' position. Apparently, this is just like a 'left-back', but on the opposite side; a position previously unseen by the scouts because they were too far away. It is a pretty safe bet that Villa will be adding one of these 'right-backs' to the squad this summer to keep us one step ahead of our rivals. You heard it here first.

Finally, some breaking news: this year's transfer window has been experiencing some teething problems since it upgraded to Transfer Windows Vista. As soon as they get the IT man in to repair it, we'll let you know.

Stay tuned for more insider exclusives throughout the summer.




Use your social login to comment on front page articles. Login using you Facebook, Twitter, Google or LinkedIn accounts and have your say!



Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Moz Villan Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday May 15 2008

Time: 12:20PM

Your Comments

Quality stuff. :-)
Little Dutch
Genius!
Saurat
I feel more informed now, thanks!!
young_jonah
So is braille available in different languages!?! I always presumed it was an international language!!!!
Adam Deuce
And from a scout's stationary position he saw as far as a left back in the first half and somehow in the second half he managed to see a right back just because the teams swapped sides. Hmm
AstonMartinOneill
Is this Mozman from another forum, if so you sir are a nutcase. Although, this:

"We can exclusively reveal that this season has seen more unsung, behind-the-scenes innovation from our colonial benefactors. In early February, the club set up a dynamic new department to count our players, and it emerged that we didn't have as many as previously thought a mistake attributed to pacy players like Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor running around the back of the team photo while the shutters were open in order to appear twice. Compounding the problem was John Carew's insistence that he counts as three. Who'd have thought it?"

Amused me
Carlosio
Yes, its all true. Braille is an international language, scouts can only see one team's right back at any given time, GB's mucus looks like gay bestial porn and the transfer window has crashed and needs to be switched off and back on again. All the wise words of intrepid reporter Avi Nalaf. Say it with me. After three. One, two, three: "avinalaf".
MozVillan
Best article this year!!
Villan444
I enjoyed that. Perhaps you could do the "something for the weekend" article occasionally.
Villan Of The North
Probably more reliable than the various tabloids out there. I shall cancel with immediate effect my subscription to The Sun, and rely on MozVillan to keep me fully abreast of rumours and happenings throughout the summer months.
glensider
 

Have Your Say

Log in...
with your social network     OR     with your Vital account

Recent Aston Villa Articles

Stats: Aston Villa v Southampton (Monday November 24 2014)

Tadic Was Our Failed January Buy (Sunday November 23 2014)

Something For The Weekend (472) (Friday November 21 2014)

Aston Villa FC - 140 Years And Counting (Friday November 21 2014)

Villa Support 21st Minute Initiative (Thursday November 20 2014)

Injury Update Ahead Of Southampton (Thursday November 20 2014)

Villa In Talks With Justice For The 21 (Thursday November 20 2014)

Archived Aston Villa Articles

List All Vital Villa Articles
Have your say
Click here to suggest an article
Click here to suggest a poll

Vital Members League (view all)

1. Pride of Lions 805
2. ClivetheVillan 782
3. The Fear 605
4. kefkat 279
5. Freeman14 227
6. sirdennis 177
7. DeanoVilla 162
8. Villan57 137
9. Fulford 96
10. gator 91

League Results (view all)

League Table (view table)

Team P W D L GD Pts
13. WBA 12 3 4 5 -4 13
14. Sunderland 12 2 7 3 -7 13
15. Crystal Palace 12 3 3 6 -4 12
16. Aston Villa 12 3 3 6 -11 12
17. Hull City 12 2 5 5 -3 11
18. Leicester City 12 2 4 6 -7 10
19. Burnley 12 2 4 6 -12 10

Breaking League News

Southampton : 24/11/2014 22:04:00
Aston Villa : 24/11/2014 21:50:00
Hull 1-2 Tottenham
Hull City : 24/11/2014 20:58:00
Palace 3-1 Liverpool
Crystal Palace : 24/11/2014 20:36:00
Liverpool: Rodgers Running Out Of Time
Liverpool : 24/11/2014 19:00:00

Current Site Poll (view all polls)

Southampton MotM
Suggested By:  MF
Guzan 0%
Hutton 20%
Okore 20%
Clark 50%
Cissokho 0%
Cleverley 0%
Westwood 0%
Sanchez 0%
N'Zogbia 0%
Agbonlahor 10%
Weimann 0%
Sub - Richardson 0%
Sub - Bent 0%