Writer: Moz Villan
Date:Thursday May 15 2008
EXCLUSIVE insider news from Villa Park
Having spent the entire season hiding unnoticed in Stiliyan Petrov's bouffant hairdo, our intrepid undercover reporter Avi Nalaf uncovers all the latest idle gossip and unsubstantiated piffle coming out of Villa Park.
As we all know, the big Villa story this summer will centre on Gareth Barry, and we will be keeping a close eye on his movements to bring you all the latest scoops. The latest of his movements that I scooped was greenish-brown and of a primarily liquid consistency, suggesting a nervous and apprehensive disposition that I could only attribute to his indecision about the future.
But eagle-eyed fans watching the players warm up against West Ham will have noticed that he laced up his boots in a manner that spelt out the words 'there's no place like the Bullring' in Spanish Braille, and that he spat out a wad of phlegm that looked a bit like a Liverpudlian being enthusiastically bummed by a Lion chasing a star. Looks like Captain Schismatic is staying after all!
This, of course, means a continuation of the well-documented war of words between Martin O'Neill and Rafa Benitez's evil twin (no-one has seen Rafa since last summer when he was replaced by a sinister bearded doppleganger). It all started when the lesser-known of the Benitez twins was spotted at the sidelines at Villa Park, cocking an eyebrow at Gareth Barry whilst enticingly waving a wad of cash, a high-class prostitute and a comfortable-looking bench in his direction. When he followed this up by faxing his arse to O'Neill, the Irishman's ire was fully raised. Expect this one to run all summer.
We can exclusively reveal that this season has seen more unsung, behind-the-scenes innovation from our colonial benefactors. In early February, the club set up a dynamic new department to count our players, and it emerged that we didn't have as many as previously thought – a mistake attributed to pacy players like Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor running around the back of the team photo while the shutters were open in order to appear twice. Compounding the problem was John Carew's insistence that he counts as three. Who'd have thought it?
Following this, the new department turned to more specific matters in terms of squad requirements by sending scouts to other premiership matches in the hope of learning some new tricks. This, it turns out, was a masterstroke.
Having familiarised themselves with the position of 'left-back', the scouts were astonished when the teams stopped after 45 minutes, went away, and came back again on opposite sides of the pitch, revealing the secretive existence of the 'right-back' position. Apparently, this is just like a 'left-back', but on the opposite side; a position previously unseen by the scouts because they were too far away. It is a pretty safe bet that Villa will be adding one of these 'right-backs' to the squad this summer to keep us one step ahead of our rivals. You heard it here first.
Finally, some breaking news: this year's transfer window has been experiencing some teething problems since it upgraded to Transfer Windows Vista. As soon as they get the IT man in to repair it, we'll let you know.
Stay tuned for more insider exclusives throughout the summer.
Date:Thursday May 15 2008
The Aston Villa Injury Table Updated (Friday March 27 2015)
Too High A Price For Keeping The British End Up? (Friday March 27 2015)
Burke Heads To Notts County (Thursday March 26 2015)
Kinsella Heads To Luton Town (Thursday March 26 2015)
Cole Praises Delph's Qualities (Thursday March 26 2015)
Agbonlahor - Spirits At An All Time High (Thursday March 26 2015)
Captain Concrete Ron - Right Place, Wrong Time (Thursday March 26 2015)
AVFC - The Relegation Battle Rages On (Thursday March 26 2015)
Bacuna Praises Defensive Duo (Wednesday March 25 2015)
Sherwood Non Committal On Semi Final Squad (Tuesday March 24 2015)
|1.||Pride of Lions||951|
|10.||Villan Of The North||190|
|Hull City||2||-||0||Aston Villa|
|15. Hull City||30||6||10||14||-12||28|
|16. Aston Villa||30||7||7||16||-20||28|
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