Aston Villa - And The New Manager Is? (joke)
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And The New Manager Is? (joke)

{tongue in cheek mode on}

Vital Villa questioned yesterday whether Villa were about to announce a new manager: Is A New Manager Set To Be Declared?

Reports today say that Villa are set to announce the name of David O'Leary's replacement and although I shouldn't break ranks with the rest of the press, I can exclusively reveal that The Birmingham Mail and others have got it wrong. I believe they will announce Martin O'Neill as the new boy.


I put in a job application a couple of weeks ago:
I've Applied For The Managers Job
and William Hills installed me as a 50/1 outsider: 50/1 For Fear

As you all know, I've got on well with Doug Ellis over the years and it hasn't gone unnoticed that I sit right by the dug out and my advice and experience has been invaluable to so many of our managers and players, that ... I can say, with a tear in my eye ... my job application was successful and I will be named the new manager.

Now fair enough, this is only in a parallel universe, but never-the-less it is a massive step up for me from managing my subuteo team.

The best thing about it is I now get to drink the lucazade from the physio's supply and also get a better seat in the stadium. Negotiations are still ongoing as to whether they can afford to supply me with a pogo stick in order for me to be able to jump up and down on the touchline or if they want a slightly more reserved manager, if so I've one of those v shaped neck pillows so I can just chill.

I've considered Roy Aitken as my number two but following the shock resignation of Doris the tea lady last week, I've decided her experience (not to mention her Earl Grey) is too impressive to ignore.

I've got some radical plans to shake the team up.

Sorenson will be replaced, not with Taylor, but by Hercules the lion because he is fit, strong and big enough to fill the goal without moving. Bella, I hope, will become the first female to play in the Premiership. As for the rest of the players, they are in for a gruelling 1 hour of training a day, then we'll all go to my gaff and play on the playstation, this I hope will give them enough rest so they don't get so tired during the 90 minutes of real matches.

Who gets selected? Well, I'm going to go with a 2-2-2-2-2 formation and will rotate them. David O'Leary didn't seem to have a system for substitutions and team selections, so I've devised a fail safe system. We'll all play a kerplunk tournament a few hours before the game and players and their positions will decided on the drop of the marbles - I said drop of marbles, not that I've lost my marbles.

I will also definitely give youth a chance as my nephew, Bailey William Fear, who is 10, will start up front.

I'll take your chants of 'Fear Out' as a vote of confidence, because I know when you say out you really mean in.

Champions League, here we come.
(aka, looney bin, here I come).

{tongue in cheek mode off}

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The Journalist

Writer: J P Fear Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Tuesday August 1 2006

Time: 10:16AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
My 12 year old Dan is a natural left back and Sean he is a bit older at 14 is a decent centre back, can they have a game Mr. Fear. Oh yes Dan Renshaw and Murph would like to be Bella and Leo.
still skeggy
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:20:00

... and apparently Doug is just gonna let ME have the club for nothing.. he thinks I'd be perfect for the job!!! AND he doesnt want anything to do with it once he's given it to me. A bluenose in charge of The Villa... how much fun could I have!!!!!
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:24:00

you lion ********!
Silver Fox
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:25:00

doh! only barely funny to start with and even worse when it's censored ... you lion b&stard!
Silver Fox
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:26:00

Does that mean you'll pull us off at half time?
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:27:00

You can't be the new manager because .... I'm Spartacus THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:29:00

My five year old twins are still crap (what do you expect from 5 year olds?) but they would love to have acrack at the central devensive partnership and they always understand each other (some ******ey twin psychic thing) and they 4 yo brother would make a great addition in the holding role.....he fears nothing (probably due to having 2 older brothers to fight with). The real positive is that they play an mean game of Kerplunk, just what your looking for!!!
Villain Of The North
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:31:00

Question is, if you were the new Villa Manager and had loads of money to blow before the transfer window slams shut who is available to buy? Malbranque? Wright-Phillips? Boa Morte? Saviola? Woodgate? Dion Dublin ;o)
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:31:00

Quick question - how do I become a vital member? THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:35:00

Congrats Mr Fear - and lil_blues_fan some would argue we've had a bluenose in charge of the Villa since 68 ;)
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:39:00

lil_blues_fan, you taking over the Villa would be a funny as somebody like Ron Saunders winning the league with the Villa, taking over at the B-lose, getting them relegated and losing to Altrincham in the FA Cup. Dreams like that could never happen ........ could they???? All together now ......... Ther's a team called City, they come from Birmingham. They got knocked out the FA Cup by non league Altrincham ......... etc............ oh happy days.
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:42:00

Fear can I replace Doris when she hangs up her kettle?
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:44:00

Steve64k, you are already vital to this site :p
Villain Of The North
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:48:00

voiceoftheholte - I remember those days aswell... you forgot Kidderminster.. they were non-league too!! You also forgot to sing your other song... you know.. the one where you all twist your panties so tight your voices get higher... all together.. 'The Villa... The Villa.. The Villa....' ;-)
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:53:00

Rumour has it that Steve Bruce applied for the job. Now thats how bad things are down Villa way. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:58:00

Its a long way to the shop, if you want a sausage roll....THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 10:59:00

how little are you lil_blues_fan - are you green and have antenae...THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 11:05:00

eh up Watchout here comes the anouncement ......THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 11:06:00

Steve64k... I think you've been eating too many smarties, if thats what they were!! You've got Ellis syndrome.. you've lost the plot. :-)
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 11:11:00

Come on lil_blues_fan I know u want to ... tell us how little u are ...THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 11:14:00

Hey little_b-lose_fan, as you have said if some one throws a smartie there is always some poor lost soul ready to bite. Didn't expect a bite as big as that though. Can you give steve64k his arm back?. I now believe. The truth is out there.
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 12:39:00

Looks like my application for tea lady has fallen on deaf ears. Fine Mr Fear! Make your own damn crumpets!
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 12:48:00

Only a flesh wound.....THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
Report Abuse
01/08/2006 13:20:00

think tere s better chance of the queen gettin the job than martin o neil workin with the axa man
Report Abuse
02/08/2006 23:20:00

take me back to the anfield page ! im gona slash me wrists. they must be payin you guys to have season tickets now
Report Abuse
02/08/2006 23:22:00

Yeah do us all a favour and get lost back to the theiving scouser site! Loser.
Report Abuse
03/08/2006 08:58:00


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