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I've Applied For The Managers Job

Dear Mr Ellis

I would like to put my name forward as the next manager of Aston Villa.

I would have thrown my hat into the ring last time around, or was it the time before, I forget, what with the revolving doors and all. Anyway, last time put me off because you actually had a squad at Aston Villa then and I don't really like crowds. However I feel now we have no money and a tiny squad, that I would be perfect for the job.

Experience?

As much experience of being a manager as you have as being a successful chairman, ceo and bottle washer at Aston Villa.

Qualities?

I can stand and watch the Villa in a David O'Leary 'thoughtful' (read blank) pose or jump up and down (with the assistance of a pogo stick) and rant in a slightly more animated fashion if required. Having watched Villa since the age of 7, I know what I would expect from the players - that would be to at least look half interested during the 90 minutes and to kick the ball towards goal, preferably between the two posts (technical term, I can explain during my interview).

Motivation?

The money, you see I know full well that in two - three years time I would lose my job anyway and I rather fancy a slice of the pie. I'm not talking about the balti pies, I'm talking about the pay offs when it comes to the end of my reign and you wish me to leave quietly.

Remuneration?

I'm cheap. When women are involved very cheap, but that can wait for some back page headlines.

I would require just 50 000 a year and would guarantee that I would not slag off the wonderful fans of Aston Villa. I would need expenses, my main requirement would be a big steel capped boot to kick the players up their arses if they dared perform as they did last season (with some notable exceptions). I would also require ear plugs as I would nod and smile respectfully to you every time I saw your mouth move, but would prefer not to hear a word that came out of your mouth because between you and me, I don't actually believe a single word you say.

So, do I get the job? The headlines are there in waiting. Fear Takes A Villa Park. And for 3 seasons time, if indeed I am that successful under your, ahem, 'leadership' Fear Out.

I look forward to my interview, no need to worry about providing me with a kit or anything, I've got an old one that was given to me by a successful captain of Aston Villa, yes, you've guessed it, one that was at Villa when you weren't there. It shows the team of 82 lifting the European Cup. Again, you won't know anything about that, what with being on a plane whilst all other Villa fans were at the ground or glued to their TV sets.

I can't wait to get started, I'm considering Doris the tea lady as my number two, she is like a daughter to me and has taught me everything I know.

Regards

Jonathan






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The Journalist

Writer: J P Fear Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday July 20 2006

Time: 12:27AM

Your Comments

Glad you're not gonna forget Doris if you get the job! Brilliant!
cherry_brandy
50k and you want the club to front up for the ear plugs, never going to happen you greedy man and as for Doris, why do you think she has been there for 48 all those years and still no the same wage, no pay cut, special favours for Mr. Ellis.
TeddyLyon
I'd employ you ! fantastic....
crosswesleyanchapel
Well your wage demands are less than mine but the "hush money" is less for me and I think I have even less experience than you so you're in for a run for your money.
Villain Of The North
get mcdonald and cowans until o'neill is ready to come, theyve worked with them youngsters since they were in nappies, done wonders with them and they their games inside out
son_of_cher
good luck mate, hope you get the job! cant do any worse than the previous 27 villa managers! maybe they should get someone in who actually cares about the club?
elmo85
lol WICKED - great piece!
OLASAL
not heard anything yet, had hoped to be called in to brief Roy Aitken as to how I want the players to be prepared. My idea was to wear wellington boots so that the hard pitches don't injure them. I'm ahead of my time really. Also had a radical suggestion from a girlie this morning that the players might do well to be encouraged to pass the ball to each other. I can't see that catching on although they did trial it but were instructed to only do so when it was possible to pass backwards. ;-)
The Fear
I have confidence with you JF. You have to do better than the last 79,563 managers Ellis has appointed in the last 1/4 of a century!
leelindsay
Think I'll put my CV forward as well. 5 times Champions League winner... in Football Manager 2006. That's impressive.
Bud
Jonathan, the old boy should hire you on the spot.
glensider
I'm not sure about Doris. My sources tell me that she has been the brains behind Aston Villa for a long time, so I think she'll get the job. Or maybe Doug will just appoint himself? He is director of football after all...!
DougInABox
J! When you get th ejob and the mighty Chelsea come to Villa Park can you sort us out with a Directors Box ticket, or two , or three?
merlin
 

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