Vital Football

Latest Aston Villa News

I've Applied For The Managers Job

I've Applied For The Managers Job

Dear Mr Ellis

I would like to put my name forward as the next manager of Aston Villa.

I would have thrown my hat into the ring last time around, or was it the time before, I forget, what with the revolving doors and all. Anyway, last time put me off because you actually had a squad at Aston Villa then and I don't really like crowds. However I feel now we have no money and a tiny squad, that I would be perfect for the job.

Experience?

As much experience of being a manager as you have as being a successful chairman, ceo and bottle washer at Aston Villa.

Qualities?

I can stand and watch the Villa in a David O'Leary 'thoughtful' (read blank) pose or jump up and down (with the assistance of a pogo stick) and rant in a slightly more animated fashion if required. Having watched Villa since the age of 7, I know what I would expect from the players - that would be to at least look half interested during the 90 minutes and to kick the ball towards goal, preferably between the two posts (technical term, I can explain during my interview).

Motivation?

The money, you see I know full well that in two - three years time I would lose my job anyway and I rather fancy a slice of the pie. I'm not talking about the balti pies, I'm talking about the pay offs when it comes to the end of my reign and you wish me to leave quietly.

Remuneration?

I'm cheap. When women are involved very cheap, but that can wait for some back page headlines.

I would require just £50 000 a year and would guarantee that I would not slag off the wonderful fans of Aston Villa. I would need expenses, my main requirement would be a big steel capped boot to kick the players up their arses if they dared perform as they did last season (with some notable exceptions). I would also require ear plugs as I would nod and smile respectfully to you every time I saw your mouth move, but would prefer not to hear a word that came out of your mouth because between you and me, I don't actually believe a single word you say.

So, do I get the job? The headlines are there in waiting. Fear Takes A Villa Park. And for 3 seasons time, if indeed I am that successful under your, ahem, 'leadership' Fear Out.

I look forward to my interview, no need to worry about providing me with a kit or anything, I've got an old one that was given to me by a successful captain of Aston Villa, yes, you've guessed it, one that was at Villa when you weren't there. It shows the team of 82 lifting the European Cup. Again, you won't know anything about that, what with being on a plane whilst all other Villa fans were at the ground or glued to their TV sets.

I can't wait to get started, I'm considering Doris the tea lady as my number two, she is like a daughter to me and has taught me everything I know.

Regards

Jonathan


Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:J P Fear
Date:Thursday July 20 2006
Time: 12:27AM

Comments

0
Glad you're not gonna forget Doris if you get the job! Brilliant!
cherry_brandy
20/07/2006 00:30:00
0
50k and you want the club to front up for the ear plugs, never going to happen you greedy man and as for Doris, why do you think she has been there for 48 all those years and still no the same wage, no pay cut, special favours for Mr. Ellis.
TeddyLyon
20/07/2006 04:37:00
0
I'd employ you ! fantastic....
crosswesleyanchapel
20/07/2006 09:55:00
0
Well your wage demands are less than mine but the "hush money" is less for me and I think I have even less experience than you so you're in for a run for your money.
Villain Of The North
20/07/2006 10:11:00
0
get mcdonald and cowans until o'neill is ready to come, theyve worked with them youngsters since they were in nappies, done wonders with them and they their games inside out
son_of_cher
20/07/2006 10:24:00
0
good luck mate, hope you get the job! cant do any worse than the previous 27 villa managers! maybe they should get someone in who actually cares about the club?
elmo85
20/07/2006 10:32:00
0
lol WICKED - great piece!
OLASAL
20/07/2006 10:40:00
0
not heard anything yet, had hoped to be called in to brief Roy Aitken as to how I want the players to be prepared. My idea was to wear wellington boots so that the hard pitches don't injure them. I'm ahead of my time really. Also had a radical suggestion from a girlie this morning that the players might do well to be encouraged to pass the ball to each other. I can't see that catching on although they did trial it but were instructed to only do so when it was possible to pass backwards. ;-)
The Fear
20/07/2006 13:09:00
0
I have confidence with you JF. You have to do better than the last 79,563 managers Ellis has appointed in the last 1/4 of a century!
leelindsay
20/07/2006 16:04:00
0
Think I'll put my CV forward as well. 5 times Champions League winner... in Football Manager 2006. That's impressive.
Bud
20/07/2006 18:15:00
Page 1/2
  1. 1
  2. 2

Login to post a comment

Recent Aston Villa Articles

The Villa Times - 04/12/2016 Happy Birthday Paul McGrath

Aston Villa news round up including two former players Birthdays.

Aston Villa Fans React To 2-0 Loss v Leeds United

Aston Villa fans reacting to the away defeat to Leeds United

Gollini Not To Blame - Fans Can Be Ignorant On Keepers?

A Vital Villa member who played to a good level as goalkeeper comes to Gollini's defence.

Stats: Leeds v Aston Villa

All the stats from Leeds (2) vs (0) Aston Villa, Elland Road, 3/12/16 Att: 32,648

Archived Vital Villa Articles

Vital Villa articles from

Site Journalists

J P Fear
Editor email
Profile
Mike Field
Editor email
Profile
Steve Wade
no email
Profile
Villa_Grizzly
no email
Profile
Turkish Penguin
no email
Profile
Glensider
no email
Profile
Chris Heath
no email
Profile
M Calucar
no email
Profile
JuanPablo Angel
no email
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

Leeds MotM
Suggested By: Site Staff
Gollini6%
Hutton2%
Elphick0%
Chester10%
Amavi0%
Westwood16%
Jedinak14%
Gardner8%
Adomah32%
Gestede2%
Kodjia2%
Sub - Grealish4%
Sub - Ayew0%
Sub - Agbonlahor4%
ScoopDragon Publishing Entire League Network of Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
1 Newcastle 19 13 1 5 40 21
2 Brighton 19 11 6 2 39 17
3 Reading 19 10 4 5 34 1
4 Leeds Utd 19 10 2 7 32 3
5 Birmingham 19 8 7 4 31 2
6 Sheff Wed 19 9 4 6 31 1
7 Norwich 19 9 3 7 30 4
8 Huddersfield 19 9 3 7 30 -3
9 Derby County 19 8 5 6 29 4
10 Fulham 19 7 7 5 28 9
11 Bristol City 19 8 3 8 27 4
12 Barnsley 19 7 4 8 25 3
13 Forest 19 7 4 8 25 1
14 Preston 19 7 4 8 25 1
15 Aston Villa 19 5 10 4 25 1
16 Ipswich 19 6 6 7 24 -2
17 Q.P.R. 19 6 5 8 23 -8
18 Brentford 19 6 4 9 22 -2
19 Burton 19 5 7 7 22 -4
20 Wolves 19 5 6 8 21 -3
21 Blackburn 19 5 5 9 20 -7
22 Cardiff 19 5 4 10 19 -12
23 Wigan 19 4 6 9 18 -5
24 Rotherham 19 1 4 14 7 -26
Vital Football Comment
Latest F1 News
What next for Mercedes?
Latest Vital Boxing News
Saunders Retains Middleweight Title
Write for Vital Football

Recent Aston Villa Results (view all)

Aston Villa Fixtures (view all)

Dec 10 2016 3:00PM : Wigan Athletic (H)
Sky Bet Championship
Dec 13 2016 7:45PM : Norwich City (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Dec 18 2016 12:00PM : Queens Park Rangers (a)
Sky Bet Championship
Dec 26 2016 3:00PM : Burton Albion (H)
Sky Bet Championship
Dec 29 2016 7:45PM : Leeds United (H)
Sky Bet Championship
Jan 2 2017 3:00PM : Cardiff City (a)
Sky Bet Championship

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.The Fear89
2.JuanPabloAngel69
3.sirdennis45
4.HeathfieldRoad187439
5.BodyButter35
6.Wurzel25
7.Melon Donkey24
8.Stephen Jay Hawkings24
9.Silhillvilla22
10.TuBBz20
The Vital Football Members League