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If Football Teams Were Women

Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago. :(

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look
great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth.




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The Journalist

Writer: J P Fear Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday March 31 2006

Time: 3:28PM

Your Comments

Always knew I'd find a use for that picture in the end.
The Fear
Always knew I'd find a use for that picture in the end.
The Fear
That's where she ran off to!
NeilBaker
That's where she ran off to!
NeilBaker
Obviously written by a sp*rs fan. Only one of theirs could describe Sp*rs as 'easy on the eye'.
Rocky7
Obviously written by a sp*rs fan. Only one of theirs could describe Sp*rs as 'easy on the eye'.
Rocky7
Oh come on Martin Jol is like a big gay teddybear! ;)
deanovilla
Oh come on Martin Jol is like a big gay teddybear! ;)
deanovilla
It's so good it has appeared on the Bournemouth Vitals site as a post!
Tierney
It's so good it has appeared on the Bournemouth Vitals site as a post!
Tierney
Like the Everton one. Thought it would have been more appropriate though if used after the name, Birmingham City.
glensider
Like the Everton one. Thought it would have been more appropriate though if used after the name, Birmingham City.
glensider
Must admit, the Spurs one is a bit complimentary. Not keen on ours, they do say the truth hurts though. Mind you the truth doesn't hurt as much as banging a nail in your foot, now that really does hurt.
The Fear
Must admit, the Spurs one is a bit complimentary. Not keen on ours, they do say the truth hurts though. Mind you the truth doesn't hurt as much as banging a nail in your foot, now that really does hurt.
The Fear
forest: sam fox- in the late 70`s early 80`s on top of the world! now, just embarrassing!
vertigo_red
forest: sam fox- in the late 70`s early 80`s on top of the world! now, just embarrassing!
vertigo_red
The Liverpool one seems a bit harsh considering they won the CL. The Villa one seems about right to me. A few years ago I remember someone telling me that they hoped that we would get religated cause we never do anything just float around mid-table. I felt really offended at the time but looking back I think he was right. There is only one way out of this, and I'm not talking about religation. ELLIS OUT
ooahPaulMcGrath
The Liverpool one seems a bit harsh considering they won the CL. The Villa one seems about right to me. A few years ago I remember someone telling me that they hoped that we would get religated cause we never do anything just float around mid-table. I felt really offended at the time but looking back I think he was right. There is only one way out of this, and I'm not talking about religation. ELLIS OUT
ooahPaulMcGrath
I like Doug. :-p
The Fear
I like Doug. :-p
The Fear
 

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