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If Football Teams Were Women

Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago. :(

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look
great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth.




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The Journalist

Writer: J P Fear Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday March 31 2006

Time: 3:28PM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Always knew I'd find a use for that picture in the end.
The Fear
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 15:36:00

Always knew I'd find a use for that picture in the end.
The Fear
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 15:36:00

That's where she ran off to!
NeilBaker
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 15:42:00

That's where she ran off to!
NeilBaker
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 15:42:00

Obviously written by a sp*rs fan. Only one of theirs could describe Sp*rs as 'easy on the eye'.
Rocky7
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 16:16:00

Obviously written by a sp*rs fan. Only one of theirs could describe Sp*rs as 'easy on the eye'.
Rocky7
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 16:16:00

Oh come on Martin Jol is like a big gay teddybear! ;)
deanovilla
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 17:19:00

Oh come on Martin Jol is like a big gay teddybear! ;)
deanovilla
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 17:19:00

It's so good it has appeared on the Bournemouth Vitals site as a post!
Tierney
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 18:08:00

It's so good it has appeared on the Bournemouth Vitals site as a post!
Tierney
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 18:08:00

Like the Everton one. Thought it would have been more appropriate though if used after the name, Birmingham City.
glensider
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 21:16:00

Like the Everton one. Thought it would have been more appropriate though if used after the name, Birmingham City.
glensider
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 21:16:00

Must admit, the Spurs one is a bit complimentary. Not keen on ours, they do say the truth hurts though. Mind you the truth doesn't hurt as much as banging a nail in your foot, now that really does hurt.
The Fear
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 22:15:00

Must admit, the Spurs one is a bit complimentary. Not keen on ours, they do say the truth hurts though. Mind you the truth doesn't hurt as much as banging a nail in your foot, now that really does hurt.
The Fear
Report Abuse
31/03/2006 22:15:00

forest: sam fox- in the late 70`s early 80`s on top of the world! now, just embarrassing!
vertigo_red
Report Abuse
01/04/2006 02:29:00

forest: sam fox- in the late 70`s early 80`s on top of the world! now, just embarrassing!
vertigo_red
Report Abuse
01/04/2006 02:29:00

The Liverpool one seems a bit harsh considering they won the CL. The Villa one seems about right to me. A few years ago I remember someone telling me that they hoped that we would get religated cause we never do anything just float around mid-table. I felt really offended at the time but looking back I think he was right. There is only one way out of this, and I'm not talking about religation. ELLIS OUT
ooahPaulMcGrath
Report Abuse
01/04/2006 07:18:00

The Liverpool one seems a bit harsh considering they won the CL. The Villa one seems about right to me. A few years ago I remember someone telling me that they hoped that we would get religated cause we never do anything just float around mid-table. I felt really offended at the time but looking back I think he was right. There is only one way out of this, and I'm not talking about religation. ELLIS OUT
ooahPaulMcGrath
Report Abuse
01/04/2006 07:18:00

I like Doug. :-p
The Fear
Report Abuse
01/04/2006 12:02:00

I like Doug. :-p
The Fear
Report Abuse
01/04/2006 12:02:00

 

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