Writer: J P Fear
Date:Thursday March 30 2006
Aston Villa Football Club today announced that they have sacked all their fans.
The Villa support, who joined the club in 1874, were dismissed by owner Doug Ellis after a series of poor results. A statement issued on behalf of Mr Ellis, who from the end of the season will be known as Club President, said: 'We have been disappointed with the performance of the fans. Results were not what they should have been.
'The way in which some events were discussed by the paying support was disappointing to us. It has been made clear that the only statement that is appropriate for the supporters to make is the mindless chanting of the words: 'I believe'. Genuflection to the club President is also appropriate. The clubs stadium will therefore be known as Ellis Park with immediate effect'
Mr Ellis, who from the end of next season will be known as Tsar of All The Russia's and Empress Of India, added: 'I'd like to thank the Villa support for all its hard work. It gave 100%, but ultimately it did not work out. Doug Ellis and the club's management felt that something had to be done quickly. We owed it to our own ridiculous delusions.'
He then outlined ambitious plans for the club to win the Champion's League, lift the World Cup and put a man on Mars by 2007 - probably Mark Cooper.
In the interim, the support will be replaced by 'caretaker fans' - cloned members of the Ellis family who have been trained to burl scarves and ask no questions.
A spokesman for the Villa Supports Support Group, Mr Jonathan Fear, said: 'I believe.'
Disgruntled Villa fans gathering outside Ellis Park were offered an attractive array of one, two and three-bedroom luxury apartments from £100,000.
By Mark Cooper
Taken from an idea by STEWART KIRKPATRICK at scotsman dot com Click Here
Date:Thursday March 30 2006
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